A Brutally Honest & Fair Google Autocomplete Roast
If the premise is Google as an equal-opportunity roast machine, then everyone needs to get hit with the same brick. No moral high ground, no “actually this one group is enlightened” energy. Just ruthless, observational comedy aimed in all directions, including the people doing the searching.
Google autocomplete is not biased.
It doesn’t take sides.
It doesn’t care about feelings.
It simply aggregates the most common unfinished thoughts of humanity and blurts them out like a drunk friend who says, “I’m just being honest.”
And when you compare “why do men…” searches to “why do women…” searches, you realize something important:
Nobody understands anyone.
Everyone thinks they are normal.
And Google has receipts.
WHY DO WOMEN…
(Google desperately trying to understand complexity with one sentence)
- Why do women have periods
Because biology hates scheduling apps. - Why do women wear hijabs
Curiosity mixed with cultural illiteracy. - Why do women live longer
Spite, emotional processing, and snacks. - Why do women get chin hair
Because irony never sleeps. - Why do women get yeast infections
Because the human body runs chaos firmware. - Why do women take testosterone
Because hormones aren’t a gendered subscription service. - Why do women wear bras
Gravity plus fashion designers who hate comfort. - Why do women get hysterectomy
Medical procedures Googled with full panic mode engaged. - Why do women eat their placenta
One podcast ruined everyone’s peace.
This list suggests women are viewed as a mix of biological puzzles, medical pop quizzes, and viral headlines taken way too literally.
WHY DO MEN…
(Google attempts to reverse-engineer a creature that refuses to read instructions)
- Why do men have nipples
Because evolution does bulk orders and doesn’t do returns. - Why do men go bald
Testosterone giveth. Testosterone taketh directly from the forehead. - Why do men twitch in their sleep
That’s unresolved arguments rebooting. - Why do men take testosterone
Because nothing says confidence like supplementing confidence. - Why do men have Adam’s apples
To audibly announce opinions no one asked for. - Why do men have facial hair
So they can look rugged while Googling “how to cook chicken.” - Why do men grow beards
To hide weak chins, strong egos, and patchy self-awareness. - Why do men like to be called daddy
Google should have asked follow-up questions. - Why do men get UTIs
Because hygiene advice was “optional.”
This list suggests men are viewed as a mix of mystery meat biology and confidence without supporting documentation.
WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS…
(Now we’re in accusation territory)
- Why women always come back
Closure addiction. - Why women always stare at me
They are not. This is ego speaking. - Why women always feel sleepy
Exhaustion plus emotional labor equals permanent low-power mode. - Why women always seek validation
When criticism is unlimited, validation becomes a hobby. - Why women always reject me
This question avoids mirrors on purpose. - Why women always show cleavage
Because shirts are poorly engineered compromises. - Why women always bleeding
Time apparently has no meaning. - Why women always peeing
Hydration supremacy with consequences. - Why women always feel tired
Carrying the mental load like it’s carry-on luggage. - Why women always wear underwear
Google truly has no shame.
Women, according to Google, are either exhausting to understand or personally responsible for other people’s insecurities.
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS…
(The Relationship Department has entered the chat)
- Why do men always come back
Because nostalgia hits harder when dating apps stop responding. - Why do men always ask for pictures
Optimism fueled by zero evidence. - Why do men always grab their crotch
A subconscious inventory check. - Why do men always ghost me
Conflict avoidance disguised as Wi-Fi issues. - Why do men always stare at me
Loading… loading… buffering… - Why do men always leave me
Commitment feels like a software update they didn’t approve. - Why do men always tell women to smile
A bold move from someone with no leverage. - Why do men always think about the Roman Empire
Because masculinity peaked in armor and public baths. - Why do men always touch themselves
Idle hands plus zero shame equals Google autocomplete.
Men, according to Google, are walking impulses with occasional moments of self-reflection, quickly abandoned.
Why Do Women vs. Why Do Men: A Digital Roast of the Human Race
Welcome to the 21st century’s version of the Oracle of Delphi: the Google search bar. It is the place where our deepest confusions go to be autofilled into public embarrassment. If you’ve ever wondered what the person sitting next to you on the bus is really thinking, look no further than the suggested searches for “Why do women…” and “Why do men…”. It turns out we aren’t just from different planets; we’re in entirely different solar systems of absurdity.
The Women’s List: Drama, Biology, and Baffling Choices
When people search for “why do women,” the internet stops being a library and starts being a chaotic support group for people who have clearly never read a biology textbook or a room.
- “Why do women eat their placenta”: Because apparently, nine months of heartburn wasn’t enough, so they decided to cap off the experience with a DIY snack that even a starving coyote would question.
- “Why do women always seek validation”: This search usually comes from someone who just spent three hours telling their partner they look “fine,” only to realize “fine” is actually a four-letter word for “start over and try harder”.
- “Why do women get chin hair”: Nature’s way of ensuring that just as a woman stops worrying about acne, she starts looking like a wizard in training.
- “Why do women always reject me”: The digital cry for help from men who think “hey” sent at 2 AM is a romantic gesture, completely unaware that their search history is likely the primary reason.
- “Why do women wear hijabs”: A search that highlights how Google is the only place people feel safe asking cultural questions without getting “canceled” in real time.
The Men’s List: Evolutionary Leftovers and Ego Trips
If the searches for women are about perplexing behaviors, the searches for men are about pure, unadulterated “how is this functional?”
- “Why do men have nipples”: The ultimate biological “participation trophy.” They serve no purpose other than to remind men that even nature has a sense of humor regarding useless accessories.
- “Why do men always grab their crotch”: Because apparently, they believe their “equipment” is a delicate orchid that needs to be checked for survival every fifteen seconds while standing in line at the grocery store.
- “Why do men like to be called daddy”: A search that proves Freud was right, and we all just need to go to therapy and stop making the internet a weird place for everyone else.
- “Why do men always think about the Roman Empire”: Because why focus on your 401(k) or the laundry when you can spend your commute contemplating aqueducts and the fall of a civilization that didn’t have Wi-Fi?
- “Why do men go bald”: The universe’s cruel trade-off for testosterone; you get the muscle mass to open a jar, but you lose the hair to look good while doing it.
The Battle of the Autocomplete
When we compare the “always” queries, the roast moves from the physical to the psychological. It’s a classic standoff between “Why is she doing that?” and “Why won’t he stop?”
| The “Always” Query | The Brutal Truth |
| “Why women always come back” | Because her “new leaf” turned out to be a dead end, and you’re the only one left who still answers the phone. |
| “Why men always come back” | He finally ran out of clean underwear and remembered that you know how to work the washing machine. |
| “Why women always stare at me” | You’re probably wearing a shirt with a stain, or you’re the guy who searches “why women always reject me” in public. |
| “Why men always ask for pictures” | Because a man’s imagination is about as developed as a dial-up modem; if he can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. |
| “Why women always feel tired” | Because they spend half their energy overthinking a text that literally just said “K”. |
In the end, Google’s autocomplete is a mirror of our collective insanity. We are all just lost souls typing into a void, hoping the algorithm can explain why our bodies are doing weird things or why the opposite sex acts like a different species. Perhaps the real answer is that we should all just put our phones down—but then how would we know if it’s normal to twitch in our sleep?