Letâs cut the therapy-speak and the gentle parenting voice for a second. We live in a world of zero accountability. Everyone is a victim. Everyone is “healing.” Everyone has a “toxic boss” or a “crazy ex.”
Here is a hard truth from your Uncle Vinnie: If you run into a jerk in the morning, you ran into a jerk. If you run into jerks all day? Youâre the jerk.
We are drowning in a sea of people asking, “Is it me?” but they don’t actually want the answer. They want validation. They want a pat on the head. Well, not today. Today we are doing a forensic audit of your behavior.
Iâve compiled a list of common scenarios where people whine “Is it me?” and I have provided the legally binding, brutally honest verdict. But before we get to that, please enjoy this funny little poem, titled “Is it me or is it you?” đ«šđ
Is It Me, or Is It You? An ode to twats.
Is it me, or is it you?
Everyoneâs wrong, except my view.
Patterns form, but I ignore,
Funny how Iâve heard this before.
Is it me, or is it you?
I speak my âtruthâ like itâs brand new.
People flinch, the room goes cold,
But hey, at least Iâm being bold.
Is it me, or is it you?
Drama hits wherever I go too.
New place, faces all replaced,
Same damn mess, different space.
Is it me, or is it you?
One last check before I stew.
If every mirror looks confused,
Congrats, alas, the answerâs you.
And so for people like YOU,
When we want to be free,
The rest of us will just say,
It’s not YOU, it’s me!
The “Is It Me?” Reality Check
The Scenario: Youâve been fired from three jobs in two years. You tell your friends itâs because “managers are intimidated by your leadership potential” and you “refuse to be a cog in the machine.”
Verdict: YES. IT IS YOU: You aren’t a revolutionary leader; youâre an unmanageable nightmare who takes 90-minute lunch breaks and replies “k” to emails from the CEO. You aren’t “intimidating,” youâre a liability. The machine doesn’t want you as a cog because youâre a wrench thrown directly into the gears.
The Scenario: You are single and claim “dating apps are a dumpster fire” because you get ghosted after every first date. You ask, “Is it me? Or is modern dating just broken?”
Verdict: YES. IT IS YOU: Dating apps are fine; your personality is the dumpster fire. You spent 45 minutes of the date talking about your crypto portfolio or your “novel” that is just 30 pages of ramblings about your dreams. You didnât ask them a single question. You treated a human being like a wall you could bounce a tennis ball against.
The Scenario: You honk at someone the millisecond the light turns green. They flip you off. You scream, “Why is everyone in this city a maniac?”
Verdict: YES. IT IS YOU: You have the patience of a toddler on a sugar crash. We live in a society. It takes a human foot three-tenths of a second to move from the brake to the gas. Relax, Mario Andretti. You arenât rushing to surgery; youâre rushing to get a lukewarm Dunkin’ coffee.
The Scenario: You send a text. They don’t reply for six hours. You send three follow-up texts, a question mark, and a “???” You ask, “Is it me, or are they being rude?”
Verdict: YES. IT IS YOU: Put the phone down. Go for a walk. You are vibrating with an energy that repels humans. Nobody owes you instant access to their consciousness. They might be working, sleeping, or…and this is likely…staring at their phone terrified to open your thread because it looks like a manifesto.
The Scenario: You are at a restaurant. You send the soup back because itâs “tepid.” You complain the music is too loud. You snap your fingers at the waiter. You ask the table, “Is it me, or is the service terrible tonight?”
Verdict: YES. IT IS YOU: You have never worked a service job in your life and it shows. The soup was fine. The music is fine. The waiter hates you. The kitchen hates you. Even the people at your own table are silently praying for a meteor to hit the building just to end the embarrassment.
The Scenario: You post a selfie with a long, emotional caption about your “struggle,” but you look perfectly fine. It gets 4 likes. You complain, “Is it me, or is the algorithm burying my content?”
Verdict: YES. IT IS YOU: The algorithm works perfectly. It showed your post to people, and they collectively decided, “I do not care about this personâs vanity disguised as vulnerability.” You aren’t shadowbanned; youâre just boring.
Is It Me or Is It You? (PART 2)
If youâre constantly asking âIs it me?â, congratulations. That means youâre this close to self-awareness⊠and then immediately sprinting past it into denial. This is for the people who ask âIs it me?â like itâs an innocent question, when really itâs a Hail Mary pass for absolution.
âIs It Me?â Scenarios with Honest Answers.
1. âIs it me⊠or do people just hate honesty?â
Answer: Yes. Itâs you.
Comment: Youâre not honest, youâre reckless. Honesty doesnât require collateral damage.
2. âIs it me⊠or is everyone just sensitive now?â
Answer: Yep. Still you.
Comment: Funny how âeveryoneâ got sensitive right after you opened your mouth.
3. âIs it me⊠or do people just misunderstand my tone?â
Answer: Itâs you with bonus points.
Comment: If your tone needs a translator, itâs broken.
4. âIs it me⊠or am I just surrounded by idiots?â
Answer: Buddy⊠come sit down.
Comment: One idiot is bad luck. Ten idiots is a mirror.
5. âIs it me⊠or do people just get offended too easily?â
Answer: Itâs you doing laps.
Comment: If you offend everyone equally, youâre not brave, youâre exhausting.
6. âIs it me⊠or do bosses always have a problem with me?â
Answer: Ding ding ding.
Comment: You donât have bad luck with bosses, you have beef with authority and a loud mouth.
7. âIs it me⊠or do people just not appreciate effort anymore?â
Answer: Oh, itâs you.
Comment: Effort isnât a coupon for quality. Nobody cares how hard you tried if it still sucks.
8. âIs it me⊠or do relationships just get boring?â
Answer: Itâs you bringing nothing to the table.
Comment: If every relationship dies of boredom, youâre the beige wall.
9. âIs it me⊠or does drama just follow me?â
Answer: Congrats, youâre the parade.
Comment: Drama doesnât follow calm people. It rides shotgun with chaos.
10. âIs it me⊠or am I just âtoo muchâ for people?â
Answer: Yes. Way too much.
Comment: Being âtoo muchâ isnât a personality, itâs a lack of volume control.
Bonus Round: Corporate & Internet Edition
âIs it me⊠or do coworkers not like strong personalities?â
Answer: Youâre not strong, youâre loud.
Comment: Strong personalities donât announce themselves every five minutes.
âIs it me⊠or does no one respect my boundaries?â
Answer: Because you donât respect anyone elseâs.
Comment: Boundaries arenât a one-way mirror.
âIs it me⊠or do people online just suck?â
Answer: Possibly both, but youâre arguing with strangers at 2am.
Comment: Log off. Touch grass. Hydrate.
The One-Question Reality Check (Be Honest)
Ask yourself this one brutal question:
âDo I hear the same criticism from different people who donât know each other?â
If yes, congratulations.
Thatâs not a conspiracy.
Thatâs a Yelp review of you.