Best quotes of all time

An impressive collection of hundreds of short random quotes from famous people that you can use to impress your friends, family and co-workers. Need a perfect quote for a big speech or eulogy you may find some gold here. None of the quotes are credited to anyone on purpose because sometimes a good message is ruined by the messenger due to people’s per-conceived biases. So when you use the quote, simple say, “A great person once said…blah blah blah”. Enjoy!

A great person once said…

  • “You can’t win.”
  • “Them that has, gets.”
  • “All’s well that ends.”
  • “He who endures, wins.”
  • “John Donne was wrong.”
  • “Kill the moneylenders.”
  • “Bullshit baffles brains.”
  • “90% of everything is crud.”
  • “Tempt not a desperate man.”
  • “Black holes are outa sight!”
  • “Celibacy is not hereditary.”
  • “Diogenes is still searching.”
  • “Never step in anything soft.”
  • “Life is a terminal condition.”
  • “Virtue is a social liability.”
  • “Never complain; never explain.”
  • “Songs unheard are sweeter far.”
  • “Dr. Faustus, call your service.”
  • “Every family tree has some sap.”
  • “Life is a temporary assignment.”
  • “Miles aren’t the only distance.”
  • “Things get worse under pressure.”
  • “A narrow mind has a broad tongue.”
  • “Have a nice day…somewhere else.”
  • “In the long run, we are all dead.”
  • “All turtle thoughts are of turtle.”
  • “Bankers are the assassins of hope.”
  • “Half of conversation is listening.”
  • “May you live in interesting times.”
  • “New systems generate new problems.”
  • “Too much of anything is wonderful.”
  • “A friend in power is a friend lost.”
  • “Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.”
  • “Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.”
  • “Not all the kookies are in the jar.”
  • “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
  • “Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.”
  • “Small things entertain small minds.”
  • “The rat race is over. The rats won.”
  • “Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.”
  • “A fool and his money are some party.”
  • “A waist is a terrible thing to mind.”
  • “Interesting history is awful living.”
  • “Most men and nations die lying down.”
  • “Strong words connote weak arguments.”
  • “Those who do not follow are dragged.”
  • “Fear is no great respecter of reason.”
  • “He who dies with the most toys, wins!”
  • “Hell is l is a city much like Newark.”
  • “Large brains can contain small minds.”
  • “Law remains long after justice flees.”
  • “Locks and keys are for honest people.”
  • “Smooth seas never made a good sailor.”
  • “A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.”
  • “There’s no intelligent life down here.”
  • “The only perfect science is hindsight.”
  • “There are no moral messages in Nature.”
  • “Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.”
  • “In defeat, malice. In victory, revenge.”
  • “In hell, treason is the work of angels.”
  • “Never eat prunes when you are famished.”
  • “Never marry a woman who prays too much.”
  • “Psychopaths aren’t born. They are made.”
  • “Scandal, like hypocrisy, is bipartisan.”
  • “Television is chewing gum for the eyes.”
  • “A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.”
  • “He is all fault who has no fault at all.”
  • “Old men make wars. Young men fight them.”
  • “Roughing it is television without cable.”
  • “Support your local bloodhound. Get lost.”
  • “We ain’t cheap, but by gosh, we’re good!”
  • “Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.”
  • “If all else fails, read the destructions.”
  • “Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.”
  • “Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.”
  • “Never mistake good manners for good will.”
  • “Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion.”
  • “Who mourns the falling of a single leaf ?”
  • “A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.”
  • “All great discoveries are made by mistake.”
  • “Excellence is an option that is renewable.”
  • “If you cannot convince them, confuse them.”
  • “No one ever found marvels by seeking them.”
  • “Don’t be so humble…you aren’t that great.”
  • “Experimentation is the mother of confusion.”
  • “In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.”
  • “In the final analysis, entropy always wins.”
  • “Measure twice ’cause you can only cut once.”
  • “Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.”
  • “Never underestimate the power of stupidity.”
  • “Succeeding is more satisfying than success.”
  • “The bigger they are, the harder they punch.”
  • “Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.”
  • “Every calling is great when greatly pursued.”
  • “He who would leap high must take a long run.”
  • “One sees more clearly backward than forward.”
  • “The smaller the issue, the bigger the fight.”
  • “We know what we are, but not what we may be.”
  • “Ambition is the curse of the political class.”
  • “An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.”
  • “Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.”
  • “Crime is merely politics without the excuses.”
  • “Don’t wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.”
  • “Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.”
  • “Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.”
  • “Policemen with private motives are dangerous.”
  • “The opera ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings.”
  • “To a little fish, the waters are always deep.”
  • “All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.”
  • “Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.”
  • “Everybody’s death simplifies life for someone.”
  • “Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.”
  • “In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.”
  • “It is better to be envied than to be consoled.”
  • “Mayflies continually plot to topple the cedar.”
  • “No man’s knowledge goes beyond his experience.”
  • “The most successful journey is a dull journey.”
  • “Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.”
  • “He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.”
  • “If you disinfect the pond, you kill the lilies.”
  • “A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.”
  • “Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.”
  • “Don’t get married if you are afraid of solitude.”
  • “Shrink not from blasphemy – t’will pass for wit.”
  • “To a weary horse, even his own tail is a burden.”
  • “Would that reason were as contagious as emotion.”
  • “Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.”
  • “If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.”
  • “If the shoe fits, you’re not allowing for growth.”
  • “Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.”
  • “Luck, it is said, dislikes working double shifts.”
  • “Many know how to flatter; few know how to praise.”
  • “When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.”
  • “Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.”
  • “An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.”
  • “Cheer up. The first hundred years are the hardest!”
  • “Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.”
  • “God can’t alter history, so he created historians.”
  • “Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.”
  • “You may as well take a person’s money as his time.”
  • “A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.”
  • “A sense of decency is often a decent man’s undoing.”
  • “If it’s not in the computer, then it doesn’t exist.”
  • “Mother Nature applies all her rules…all the time.”
  • “The mouse dreams dreams that would terrify the cat.”
  • “Tyranny is always better organized than freedom is.”
  • “When the old dog barks, better look out the window.”
  • “Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.”
  • “If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.”
  • “In death, avoid hell. In life, avoid the law courts.”
  • “Life’s a bitch. But, then, consider the alternative.”
  • “Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.”
  • “Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.”
  • “Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.”
  • “Tatoos are the common man’s way of investing in art.”
  • “The best way to achieve immortality is by not dying.”
  • “There is no truth in the rumor that man is immortal.”
  • “To understand the clay is not to understand the pot.”
  • “Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.”
  • “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.”
  • “Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.”
  • “Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.”
  • “He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.”
  • “In jealousy, there is often more self-love than love.”
  • “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”
  • “One goddamned thing leads to another goddamned thing.”
  • “The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.”
  • “Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.”
  • “To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”
  • “Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.”
  • “Eternity is a terrible thought…where will it all end”
  • “Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.”
  • “Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.”
  • “Get too many irons in your fire and you’ll put it out.”
  • “If you live among the wolves, learn to howl like them.”
  • “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”
  • “Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.”
  • “Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it.”
  • “When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.”
  • “A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.”
  • “A short cut is the longest distance between two points.”
  • “Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.”
  • “Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.”
  • “Being king is not much fun if no one knows you are one.”
  • “Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.”
  • “He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.”
  • “If you cannot understand it, it is intuitively obvious.”
  • “Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.”
  • “Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting.”
  • “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
  • “No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.”
  • “People are always available for work in the past tense.”
  • “Success consists of reaching 40 before your waist does.”
  • “The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did.”
  • “There is a time for everything. Mostly, the wrong time.”
  • “Where you stand on an issue depends upon where you sit.”
  • “Women’s taste in neckties is as bad as men’s in chintz.”
  • “Activity is the politician’s substitute for achievement.”
  • “He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.”
  • “Labor disgraces no man, but often a man disgraces labor.”
  • “Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.”
  • “The strongest part of any paper form is the perforation.”
  • “There is nothing more terrible than ignorance in action.”
  • “You cannot tame a tiger by pulling but one of his teeth.”
  • “Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.”
  • “First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.”
  • “For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.”
  • “Give me an example of pro and con. Progress and Congress.”
  • “If you are feeling good, don’t worry; you’ll get over it.”
  • “It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.”
  • “Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.”
  • “The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.”
  • “The ship of state is the only ship that leaks at the top.”
  • “What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.”
  • “When the hounds bay, the fox and the rabbit are brothers.”
  • “Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.”
  • “An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.”
  • “Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.”
  • “Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.”
  • “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.”
  • “Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.”
  • “Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.”
  • “God has Alzheimer’s disease; he’s forgotten that we exist.”
  • “Live within your income, even if you must borrow to do it.”
  • “Some people can look so busy that they seem indispensable.”
  • “Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.”
  • “An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.”
  • “Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.”
  • “Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It’s easier that way.”
  • “Fire and water. Matter and anti-matter. Money and morality.”
  • “Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread.”
  • “Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.”
  • “The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed.”
  • “The gap between theory and practice is filled with apology.”
  • “Those who do not learn from history often end up making it.”
  • “To hear tell a hundred times is not as good as once seeing.”
  • “We don’t know one millionth of one per cent about anything.”
  • “When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.”
  • “”Automatic” simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.”
  • “A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.”
  • “Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.”
  • “Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.”
  • “If the universe is indeed insane, who is the asylum keeper ?”
  • “Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence.”
  • “The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon.”
  • “There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.”
  • “When in trouble or in doubt, Run in circles, yell and shout.”
  • “You’ve one mouth and two ears…use them in that proportion.”
  • “Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.”
  • “Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest.”
  • “For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.”
  • “It is often easier to find the truth than it is to accept it.”
  • “Never have so many people understood so little about so much.”
  • “Never question your wife’s judgement…look whom she married.”
  • “Politicians are much like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.”
  • “The Russians will never invade us…there’s no place to park.”
  • “Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.”
  • “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted.”
  • “Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.”
  • “Frustration is not having anyone else to blame but one’s self.”
  • “It is the manner, and not the content, that marks a gentleman.”
  • “Justice must not only be done; it must be seen to be believed.”
  • “Little boys throw stones in jest. Little frogs die in earnest.”
  • “Middle age is when you wonder if your warranty is running out.”
  • “The person who marries for money generally ends up earning it.”
  • “Why long for glory, which one despises as soon as one has it ?”
  • “A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.”
  • “Always forgive your enemies – nothing else annoys them as much.”
  • “An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.”
  • “Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.”
  • “By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire’s gone out.”
  • “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.”
  • “Measured with a micrometer. Marked with chalk. Cut with an axe.”
  • “The Boy Scout credo: sound mind, sound body…take your choice.”
  • “There is nothing like a grievance to sharpen an old man’s wits.”
  • “When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole very near by.”
  • “You rarely observe a mob rushing across town to do a good deed.”
  • “A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.”
  • “All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door.”
  • “Anyone can handle a crisis. It’s everyday living that kills you.”
  • “As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.”
  • “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.”
  • “History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.”
  • “If it jams – force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.”
  • “It is wrong to repeat gossip, but what else can you do with it ?”
  • “Less of a good thing is sometimes better – ask anyone on a diet.”
  • “The real outrage today isn’t what’s illegal. It’s what is legal.”
  • “There are only four basic plots in life, and nine in literature.”
  • “Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money ?”
  • “In third-world politics, the people with the guns call the shots.”
  • “More men are sheep in wolves’ clothing than the other way around.”
  • “Saints engage in introspection while burly sinners run the world.”
  • “Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.”
  • “The sooner man begins to spend his wealth, the better he uses it.”
  • “Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.”
  • “Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.”
  • “Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.”
  • “Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.”
  • “Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in extreme pain.”
  • “It’s difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.”
  • “The deepest and most important virtues are often the dullest ones.”
  • “When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.”
  • “You can’t have a clear head when there is a sword hanging over it.”
  • “After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.”
  • “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.”
  • “As the rabbit said, if that ain’t a wolf, it’s a hell of a big dog.”
  • “Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.”
  • “Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.”
  • “Motor gently through the greasemud, for there lurks the skid demon.”
  • “Never argue with a fool…people may not be able to tell you apart.”
  • “Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.”
  • “Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.”
  • “No matter how bad your kid is, he’s still good for a tax exemption.”
  • “Proctologist’s revenge: put Ben-Gay in a guy’s tube of Nupercainal.”
  • “The biggest idiot can ask questions the smartest man cannot answer.”
  • “The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one.”
  • “The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.”
  • “What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.”
  • “When you’ve read about one train wreck, you’ve read about them all.”
  • “You only go around once, and there’s not enough gusto for everyone.”
  • “A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.”
  • “All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the barrel of your rifle.”
  • “Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.”
  • “Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.”
  • “If the thought of growing old bothers you, consider the alternative.”
  • “In doing good, avoid notoriety. In doing evil, avoid self-awareness.”
  • “Taking something with a grain of salt may raise your blood pressure.”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with gluttony…providing you don’t overdo it.”
  • “You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.”
  • “A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.”
  • “A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.”
  • “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
  • “Basic research is what you do when you don’t know what you are doing.”
  • “How can you tell when a salesman is lying ? When his lips are moving.”
  • “I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.”
  • “If you doubt that Rochesterians believe in God, watch how they drive.”
  • “Knowledge can cure ignorance, but intelligence cannot cure stupidity.”
  • “Last weke I cudn’t even spel kumpooter programer and today I are one!”
  • “Life is a learning experience; the diploma is your death certificate.”
  • “Live every day as though it were your last. One day, you’ll be right.”
  • “The best bilge pump in the world is a terrified sailor with a bucket.”
  • “The best way to attract money is to give the appearance of having it.”
  • “The reason the way of the sinner is hard is because it is so crowded.”
  • “The successful enjoyment of vice requires training and long practice.”
  • “The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.”
  • “Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?”
  • “A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.”
  • “Assumptions, so often full of holes, remain precious to the convinced.”
  • “Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own policy.”
  • “God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows through.”
  • “If man’s best friend is the dog, where does that leave the rest of us?”
  • “People who live in a golden age complain that everything looks yellow.”
  • “The first great gift that we can bestow upon others is a good example.”
  • “The only people to profit from the mistakes of others are biographers.”
  • “The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is the female version.”
  • “To have honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey the sauce to sugar.”
  • “Today’s conservative is yesterday’s liberal who got mugged last night.”
  • “You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what you get.”
  • “All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.”
  • “In order to obtain a loan, you must first prove that you don’t need it.”
  • “Never make the same mistake twice…there are so many new ones to make!”
  • “Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen. Now look how many there are.”
  • “Reality precedes perception. Except, of course, in southern California.”
  • “Take care which rut you choose; you’ll be in it for the next ten years.”
  • “A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly knowledge.”
  • “Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a fortune.”
  • “Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one loophole.”
  • “Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in circles.”
  • “It is only in Aesop’s fables that an elephant takes advice from a mouse.”
  • “Nothing is really labor unless you would rather be doing something else.”
  • “Remember when “There’s something in the air” was just a figure of speech”
  • “Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.”
  • “The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.”
  • “The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.”
  • “The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
  • “When smashing monuments, always save the pedestals – they come in handy.”
  • “You cannot reason a man out of that which he has not been reasoned into.”
  • “During Britain’s “brain drain,” not a single politician left the country.”
  • “If this is the land of the future, why are we all so given to nostalgia ?”
  • “Just because you are paranoid does not mean that no one is following you.”
  • “The fraudulence of the exercise is proportional to the margin of victory.”
  • “The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to complain.”
  • “Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only thing.”
  • “No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.”
  • “Odds are, the phrase “It’s none of my business” will be followed by “but”.”
  • “Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don’t want to lend him cash.”
  • “Truth is very precious, so salesmen and politicians use it very sparingly.”
  • “Virtue does not lend itself to the same verbal enthusiasms that vice does.”
  • “You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.”
  • “A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.”
  • “History occurs twice – the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.”
  • “If truth were a matter of opinion, then the majority would always be right.”
  • “In a permissive society, the cream rises to the top…and so does the scum.”
  • “It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.”
  • “Making this world better will gain you the greatest credit in the next one.”
  • “The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door…”
  • “The whole of life is futile unless you regard it is a sporting proposition.”
  • “A child’s ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of alternatives.”
  • “How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you’re on.”
  • “It is better to add life to your years than it is to add years to your life.”
  • “People, like turtles, make little progress without sticking their necks out.”
  • “The last time doctors went on strike, the death rate dropped thirty percent.”
  • “The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.”
  • “The promises of maniacs, like those of salesmen, are not safely relied upon.”
  • “You never know how many friends you have until you own a house at the beach.”
  • “Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help you reach it.”
  • “Don’t hit a man when he’s down unless you are damned certain he won’t get up.”
  • “He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of the seventh.”
  • “Once you understand the problem, you find that it is worse than you expected.”
  • “Our architect’s plans for plant renovation begin with a precision air strike.”
  • “We are all passengers in the leaky rowboat of life. So, bail faster, damn it!”
  • “A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a magician.”
  • “Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a special case.”
  • “It takes twenty-five dumb animals to make a fur coat. and only one to wear it.”
  • “Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day’s work.”
  • “The only people that snobs want to know are those who don’t want to know them.”
  • “Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch either being made.”
  • “Unfaithfulness in the keeping of an appointment is an act of clear dishonesty.”
  • “What do you call 500 bureaucrats at the bottom of the Potomac river ? A start.”
  • “Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to grow hard-hearted.”
  • “Leakproof seals – will. Selfstarters – will not. Interchangeable parts – won’t.”
  • “Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.”
  • “Sometimes it is good to be only a fly when giants are fighting for the heavens.”
  • “The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
  • “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know when it will be too late.”
  • “A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final inspection.”
  • “Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.”
  • “Don’t be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two small steps.”
  • “The galaxy is full of dishonorable men …Well, everyone’s got to make a living.”
  • “When a broken machine is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.”
  • “A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.”
  • “If you think that no one cares that you’re alive, try missing a few car payments.”
  • “It is difficult to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the same time.”
  • “Old age is like a burglar. It robs you of all the goodies and leaves the rubbish.”
  • “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; deference to others governs our manners.”
  • “When comes the revolution, things will be different – not better, just different.”
  • “A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the greatest damage.”
  • “Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.”
  • “Never, ever, insult a telephone answering machine. They have ways of getting even.”
  • “No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe whilst the legislature is in session.”
  • “People use the most words when they are the least certain of what they are saying.”
  • “People who have no faults are terrible: there is no way to take advantage of them.”
  • “The only government handout that I want is the government’s hand out of my pocket.”
  • “The universe is governed by a committee; no one man could make that many mistakes.”
  • “Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools confer degrees.”
  • “The Devil’s greatest triumph was convincing the modern world that he doesn’t exist.”
  • “The best way to make fire with two sticks is to insure that one of them is a match.”
  • “The longer you wait in line, the greater the probability that it is the wrong line.”
  • “When men are easy in their circumstances, they are naturally enemies to innovation.”
  • “At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done cannot be undone.”
  • “It is probably better to be insane with the rest of the world than to be sane alone.”
  • “Monotony is the law of Nature. Observe the monotonous manner in which the sun rises.”
  • “Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer’s daughter.”
  • “The only things in history that are inevitable are those that have already happened.”
  • “There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive surgical operation cannot prolong.”
  • “If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.”
  • “Man does not live by bread alone. But he damned well doesn’t live without it, either.”
  • “Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.”
  • “Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster they call destiny.”
  • “Never get mixed up with economists. Their thinking is muddy and they have bad breath.”
  • “Nothing in the universe arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.”
  • “Remember the good old days When juvenile delinquency was observed mainly in juveniles”
  • “Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.”
  • “Institutions are more rarely overthrown from without, more often corroded from within.”
  • “It is a grave error to allow any mechanical device to realize that you are in a hurry.”
  • “One lawyer = a crook. Two lawyers = a law firm. Three or more lawyers = a legislature.”
  • “The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative; few radicals have good digestions.”
  • “The lawyer’s credo: if you can’t dazzle ’em with brilliance, baffle ’em with bullshit.”
  • “There is an optimal size for any project, and it is always bigger than you can afford.”
  • “Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline pursued with passion.”
  • “If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.”
  • “People who cough a lot never go to the doctor…just to movies, concerts, and lectures.”
  • “The danger in being king is that after a while you begin to believe you really are one.”
  • “Those who can’t teach – administer. Those who can’t administer – run for public office.”
  • “When a man dies, he does not die just of the disease he has; he dies of his whole life.”
  • “A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after a while, knows something.”
  • “Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.”
  • “If the nation’s economists were all laid end to end, they would point in all directions.”
  • “Journalism, like prostitution, is a career in which just one foray makes a professional.”
  • “The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.”
  • “They don’t invite you to the White House for a drink because they think you are thirsty.”
  • “If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean ?”
  • “If doctors’ intellects were as big as doctors’ egos, this would be a far healthier world.”
  • “If you gave a monkey control of its environment, it would fill the universe with bananas.”
  • “We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.”
  • “Whenever a man casts a longing eye at public office, a rottenness appears in his conduct.”
  • “How come nowadays the word “honesty” is generally preceded by the phrase “old-fashioned” ?”
  • “If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn’t reach a conclusion.”
  • “In some countries, Chaucer and Dante are the classics. In this country, it’s a soft drink.”
  • “Peace is a premise the existence of which we have deduced from the intervals between wars.”
  • “Science has finally found what distinguishes Man from the other beasts: financial worries.”
  • “The reason why worry kills more people than work does is that more people worry than work.”
  • “Those who beat their swords into plowshares generally end up plowing for those who didn’t.”
  • “When I works, I works fast. When I plays, I plays hard. And when I thinks, I falls asleep.”
  • “You can’t drown your troubles, not the real ones, because if they are real, they can swim.”
  • “Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend to fall on the same dates.”
  • “If everything appears to be going well, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.”
  • “There are three types of deliberate falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and salesmen’s promises.”
  • “Those things are better which are perfected by Nature than those which are finished by art.”
  • “It’s not social oppression that moves wild-eyed revolutionaries; it’s envy, pure and simple.”
  • “One thing you can say for kids: they don’t go around showing pictures of their grandparents.”
  • “The later you are for your flight, the more times you have to go through the metal detector.”
  • “We do not know who first discovered water. However, we are confident that it was not a fish.”
  • “A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to join you in your troubles.”
  • “Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the safety of reminiscence.”
  • “Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into a “Pearl Harbor file”.”
  • “If the gods had really intended men to fly, they’d have made it easier to get to the airport.”
  • “Show me anything whereof it may be said “See, this is new,” and I will show you it hath been.”
  • “The great classes of people will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one.”
  • “The secret of staying young is finding an age that you really like and then sticking with it.”
  • “You can say this for death and taxes: when you are done with one, you’re done with the other.”
  • “If the first person who answers the phone can’t handle your question, then it’s a bureaucracy.”
  • “It is axiomatic that even the strongest of men will fall before a pygmy with a submachine gun.”
  • “Some people are always lost in thought; other people lack thoughts large enough to be lost in.”
  • “The price of total freedom is total anarchy. The price of total security is total enslavement.”
  • “Truth is a hard master to serve, for the more devotedly you serve her, the more she hurts you.”
  • “A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working for thirty years straight.”
  • “A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors suspicions to the contrary.”
  • “Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are acting in their best interests.”
  • “An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.”
  • “Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your body makes its own cholesterol.”
  • “Nothing in our history is plainer, or more tragic, than the gulf between cleverness and wisdom.”
  • “The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a break from doing nothing.”
  • “Everything comes to he who waits – providing he has either infinite patience or infinite wealth.”
  • “If it’s rational, if it’s logical, and if it makes good common sense, then it’s simply not done.”
  • “If one views his problem sufficiently closely, he will recognize himself as part of the problem.”
  • “Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”
  • “The first place in which to look for something is the last place in which you expect to find it.”
  • “The great tragedy of our era is not the significance of things but the insignificance of things.”
  • “You know that it’s gonna be a bad day when you call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.”
  • “By working faithfully 8 hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work 12 hours a day.”
  • “Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.”
  • “The most beautiful days of the year are always the days just before and just after your vacation.”
  • “The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of what you’re doing.”
  • “The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet ’em.”
  • “It doesn’t much matter whom you marry, for tomorrow morning you discover that it was someone else.”
  • “The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.”
  • “There are three rules for successfully managing people: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”
  • “These days, an education is essential for career success. Unless, of course, you run for Congress.”
  • “Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.”
  • “On the ONE day you take your secretary to lunch, your wife will be lunching in the same restaurant.”
  • “One may generally observe a singular accord between supercelestial ideas and subterranean behavior.”
  • “To spot the true expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.”
  • “A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see that everything comes off right.”
  • “Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in good enough condition not to have to.”
  • “If young women often do marry men like their fathers, no wonder their mothers cry at their weddings.”
  • “Pinocchio was such a dolt to try to become a human being. He was much better off with a wooden head.”
  • “The real crime in education today is not the way we treat teachers but whom we allow to be teachers.”
  • “He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he will do very few things at all.”
  • “If the government hasn’t yet taxed, licensed, or regulated it, then it probably ain’t worth anything.”
  • “In a world that runs on deceit, deception, and duplicity, the honest man is always at a disadvantage.”
  • “Proof-positive that Eastern and Western technologies can indeed work together: the Teflon-coated wok.”
  • “A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a more simple system that worked.”
  • “Fools belittle that which they do not understand. Cynics belittle everything. Midgets simply belittle.”
  • “That which is crooked cannot be made straight, although there are psychotherapists who might disagree.”
  • “The tale of the errant entrepreneur: High chair; high school; high hopes; high finance; “Hi, Warden!”.”
  • “If you cannot logically refute a man’s arguments, not all is lost. You can always call him nasty names.”
  • “One good thing about living on a farm is that you can fight with your wife and ain’t nobody gonna hear.”
  • “The sun ariseth and the sun goeth down, and the same things come alike to the righteous and the wicked.”
  • “Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble is, nearly everything is forbidden.”
  • “Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.”
  • “He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the biggest mistake of all – doing nothing.”
  • “Workers these days don’t mind putting in an honest day’s work. Trouble is, it takes ’em a week to do it.”
  • “The number of employees in any work group tends to increase irrespective of the amount of work to be done.”
  • “Whatever is not nailed down is the government’s. Whatever the government can pry loose is not nailed down.”
  • “Years ago, the symbol of America was the bald eagle. Today, it is the beer bottle on the side of the road.”
  • “If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.”
  • “If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, pound the table and yell like hell.”
  • “It is when the irritation of doubt causes a struggle to attain belief that the enterprise of thought begins.”
  • “Practical politics consists of ignoring the facts. Come to think of it, practical anything consists of that.”
  • “There are two periods in which Congress does no business: one is before the holidays and the other is after.”
  • “You know you are in trouble when your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.”
  • “A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass, through which one pours all his money.”
  • “Why do they always start off the evening news with “Good evening” when all they do is tell you why it isn’t ?”
  • “Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair that she did not limit the stupidity of Man.”
  • “It is better to resign from office than it is to die in office; that way, you get to hear some of the eulogies.”
  • “The average U.S. taxpayer is proud to be paying taxes. Of course, he could be just as proud for half the money.”
  • “The more cordial the buyer’s secretary, the greater the probability that the competition already has the order.”
  • “An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.”
  • “Instead of worrying about the boxes in your organizational chart, be concerned with the people who are boxed in.”
  • “It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained in heaven and earth to keep her that way.”
  • “The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss comes strolling through the plant.”
  • “Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy: Keep them in the dark and feed them manure.”
  • “Those who can – do. Those who can’t – teach. Those totally devoid of useful ability become government economists.”
  • “If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make them absolutely livid, then tell ’em the truth.”
  • “The probability of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is proportional to the cost of the carpet.”
  • “You know you are in trouble when you come to work in the morning and the boss tells you not to take off your coat.”
  • “If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success, just look at the average television evangelist.”
  • “The British parliament is called the “Mother of Legislatures”. A somewhat similar term is often applied to Congress.”
  • “The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank….The really big chunks always rise to the top.”
  • “The probability of your alarm not going off increases in direct proportion to the importance of your 8:00am meeting.”
  • “Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime reputation as an expert without ever once being right.”
  • “If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, then you obviously don’t understand what’s going on.”
  • “Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, as it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.”
  • “Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death your right to hear me tell you how wrong you are.”
  • “Don’t worry about what other people are thinking of you. They’re too busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.”
  • “No matter how long or how diligently you shop for a machine, once you’ve purchased it, it will be on sale for 30% less.”
  • “Since few large pleasures are lent to us on a long lease, it is wise to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures.”
  • “What do the lie detector and Wonder Woman have in common They were invented by the same person. Kinda figures, doesn’t it.”
  • “Universities are full of knowledge. The freshmen bring a little in and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.”
  • “No class of Americans has ever objected to any amount of government meddling if it appeared to benefit that particular class.”
  • “The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.”
  • “Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, ’cause I’m the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.”
  • “Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights; most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.”
  • “There are those who make things happen. There are those who watch things happen. And there are those who wonder what happened.”
  • “There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.”
  • “Old men and comets have long been revered for the same reasons; their long beards and their supposed ability to foretell events.”
  • “The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the moment you wake up and doesn’t stop until you get to the office.”
  • “A neurotic builds castles in the air. A psychotic lives in castles in the air. And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.”
  • “In the Beginning, God created the Organization and gave It dominion over man. -Genesis, Article VII, section 3, paragraph C.”
  • “The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal bread.”
  • “Of those teaching in today’s schools, 80 percent are paid twice what they are worth and 20 percent are paid half what they are worth.”
  • “In any organization, there are only two people to contact if you want results: the one at the very top and the one at the very bottom.”
  • “A liberalism incapable of fiscal self-discipline brings about a radical conservatism conspicuous for its selfishness and insensitivity.”
  • “Nothing irritates a standard American corporate executive quite so much as the sight of someone actually daring to practice capitalism.”
  • “If someone gives you so-called good advice, do the opposite; you may be certain that that will be the right thing nine times out of ten.”
  • “If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.”
  • “Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the twenty-first century, where nothing can go wrong…go wrong…go wrong…”
  • “Murphy’s Law: If it can go wrong, it will…at the worst possible time and in the worst possible place. Fisher’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.”
  • “There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete, and everybody is capable of anything.”
  • “Tell a man that there are 500 million trillion stars in the universe and he will believe you. Tell him that there’s wet paint on that bench….”
  • “Under some conditions, in some place, at some time, there will always be at least one law, ordinance, or statute under which you can be booked.”
  • “Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can rely on it.”
  • “Pessimists are the world’s happiest people…. Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.”
  • “To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.”
  • “Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, pressure, humidity, time, and voltage, the machine will do as it damned well pleases.”
  • “Stress is that condition created when the mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.”
  • “Any machine design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.”
  • “Honesty is the best policy – unless, of course, you are dealing with your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S., your creditors…”
  • “A politician’s most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year – and to explain afterwards why it didn’t happen.”
  • “The sole reliable test of a first-rate intelligence is to hold two opposite ideas in the mind whilst still retaining the ability to tie one’s own shoe laces.”
  • “Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damned fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it totally beyond recognition.”
  • “An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech until it begins to pay off.”
  • “The only valid generalization that can be made about scientists is that they require unlimited resources for improbable projects of interminable gestation periods.”
  • “The nice thing about scientific studies is that you can always find one that proves conclusively that your product is safe and that your competitor’s causes cancer.”
  • “Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of the component’s irreplaceability.”
  • “In America, the Secretary of Agriculture catches hell for unmanageable food surpluses; in Russia, his counterpart goes to Siberia because of unmanageable food shortages.”
  • “In designing any type of machine component, no overall dimension can be totalled accurately after 4:30pm Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15am on Monday.”
  • “The very same American textile industry that lobbies hysterically against the import of textile products imports virtually all its textile manufacturing machinery…I wonder why”
  • “Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is yours, and his, and hers, and theirs…”
  • “If the plating work that we do for you is defective, we will refund your money, redo the parts free, close our plant, and have the plant manager shot. Will that be satisfactory ?”