A ton of short funny jokes

This could be one of the largest collections of short funny jokes that you’ll find in one place online. It includes a HUGE variety of short goofy jokes, one-liners and some great horrible puns.

Male deer have buck teeth.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
What comes after 69? mouthwash.
Cannibals like to meat people.
What color is a belch? Burple.
A baby seal walks into a club.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A horse is a very stable animal.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a potassium joke? K.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What is brown and sticky? A stick
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
How does Moses make tea? He brews.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Where do sick fish go? To the dock.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Without geometry, life is pointless
What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be…
Can February March? No but April May
What kind of Bees produce milk? Boobees
Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Where does bad light end up? In prism.
Can February march? No, but April may.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.
In some places fog will never be mist.
What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
What language do pigs speak? Pig Latin.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na.
What is a mummy’s favorite food? Wraps.
How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon.
A pessimist’s blood type is b-negative.
What is the gambler’s heaven? Paradise.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
Yo Mama so old God signed her yearbook.
What key won’t open any door? A turkey.
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
What has legs, arms, and eyes? pirates.
What do you call a fake noodle? Impasta.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What’s Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
Whats 72? 69 with three people watching.
What do dentists call X-rays? Tooth pics.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
What is a ghost’s nose full of? Boo-gers.
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll
Have I told you this deja vu joke before?
How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
I hated beards, but they’re growing on me.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
How do trees get online? They just log on!
When is a door not a door? When it is ajar
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
How do you talk to a giant? Use big words.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purrr-ple.
What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell!
What mouse walks on two feet? Mickey Mouse.
Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
Why can’t male ants sink? They’re buoy-ant.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What kind of water can’t freeze? Hot water.
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.
Yo Mama so small her best friend is an ant.
What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1.
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper!
How do you throw a space party? You planet!
I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves.
What do you call a bear with no ears? A “B”!
How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age.
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
Yo Mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than “A” bra
What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
How does a rabbi make his coffee? Hebrews it.
What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
How do ghosts wash their hair? With sham-boo.
What cat likes living in water? An octo-puss.
Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice!
How did the bullet lose its job? It got fired.
How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator.
How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
How do trees access the internet? They log in.
What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip.
What kinds of pants do ghosts wear? Boo-jeans.
What do you call guys who love math? Algebros.
Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.
Why are snails bad at racing? They’re sluggish.
What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
What do you call a flea in France? A paris-ite.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts
How do you make a lemon drop? Just let it fall.
What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Snow.
. What kind of shoes do robbers wear? Sneakers.
What room does a ghost not need? A living room.
What’s a cat’s favorite magazine? A cat-alogue.
What kind of music do mummies love? Wrap music.
What is a monster’s favorite dessert? I scream.
What do birds say on Halloween? Trick or tweet.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
What do you call expert fisherman? A Master Baiter
Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed.
Which bird has the worst manners? Mocking birds.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What did the zero say to the eight? “Nice belt.”
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I tried looking for gold, but it didn’t pan out.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What is a mouse’s favorite game? Hide and Squeak
What’s a three-season bed? One without a spring.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
Why did the bee get married? He found his honey.
What animal is always at a baseball game? A bat.
What does every birthday end with? The letter Y.
Yo Mama so old her memory is in black and white.
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
What did the paper say to the pencil? “Write on!”
Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot.
Why do smartphones ring? Because they can’t talk.
What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher.
What do frogs order at restaurants? French flies.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.
How do poets say hello? Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Rest in peace to boiling water. You will be mist.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite candy? A Mars bar.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The Bunny Hop.
What song does a cat like best? Three Blind Mice.
What does a witch use to do her hair? Scarespray.
Are black cats bad luck? Sure, if you’re a mouse.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Where do polar bears keep their money? A snowbank.
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1.
A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
Where does McDonald’s get its burgers from? Macau.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? A pumpkin patch.
What kind of dog does Dracula have? A blood hound.
What position does a ghost play in hockey? Ghoulie
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
I went on a once in a lifetime holidayNever again.
You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? carrot gold.
What time do you go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty.
What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match.
Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!
What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
Yo Mama so small she has to slam-dunk her bus fare.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
What is a tornado’s favorite game to play? Twister.
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange.
How do you fix a broken gourd? With a pumpkin patch.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.
Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
What’s Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O’Furniture.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out!
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Where do cows go for entertainment? The mooooo-vies!
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of music? Wrap music.
What is a computer’s favorite snack? Computer chips.
Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
What instrument does a skeleton play? The trom-bone.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatch-et.
How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
I hate Russian dolls… they’re so full of themselves!
Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out!
Why is afraid of ? Because is a registered offender.
Why do comedians love eggs? They’re easy to crack up.
What is a flea’s favorite way to travel? Itch hiking.
How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
I used to be a baker, but I didn’t make enough dough.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.
What do road crews use at the North Pole? Snow cones.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse!
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What fruit do scarecrows love the most? Straw-berries.
Why did the zombie skip school? He was feeling rotten.
What monster plays tricks on Halloween? Prank-enstein.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in
To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
Why can you never gossip in a cornfield? Too many ears.
How much does a neutron pay for electricity? No charge.
Want to hear a roof joke? The first one’s on the house.
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleeves!
What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!
What do you call a fancy seafood meal? So-fish-ticated.
What do you call a nearsighted cowboy? Squint Eastwood.
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
What’s a chimney sweep’s most common ailment? The flue.
What’s the definition of a will? (it’s a dead giveaway)
Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on it’s own? It is two tired.
What candy do you eat on the playground? Recess pieces.
What do you call a bunny who isn’t smart? A hare brain.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
What did the banana say to the dog? Bananas can’t talk.
What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt? Snow.
How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night.
How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern…
What’s E.Tshort for? Because he’s only got little legs.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed!
What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”
When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
Why did the M&M go to school? It wanted to be a Smartie.
What are shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard!
Where does the sheep get his hair cut? The baa baa shop!
How do you fit more pigs on a farm? Build a sty-scraper.
Are monsters good at math? Not unless you count Dracula.
What do you call it when it rains turkeys? Foul weather.
What do you call a cow that won’t give milk? A milk dud.
What do you give a vampire when he’s sick? Coffin drops.
What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? A har-vest.
What do you call a reindeer with bad manners? Rude-olph.
Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
What did one toilet say to the other? “You look flushed.”
What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.
What did the cat say when he fell off the table? “Me-ow.”
What happens when a vampire goes in the snow? Frost bite.
What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.
What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner? Your nose.
What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock.
What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A funny bunny.
What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
What did the nose say to the finger? “Quit picking on me!”
Why can’t Elsa have a balloon? Because she will let it go.
What’s another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
What goes “Ha, ha, ha, plop”? A man laughing his head off.
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don’t work.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why don’t elephants chew gum? They do, just not in public.
What’s the best thing to put into pumpkin pie? Your teeth.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day-scare centers.
What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? That hit the spot.
Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there’s no point.
“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!
What are a shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard!
Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
I have many jokes about rich kids—sadly none of them work.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.
Why do they serve yogurt at museums? Because it’s cultured.
Where do cows go on Friday nights? They go to the moo-vies!
What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!
Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing.
Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They’re shellfish.
What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn’t stick with it.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal.
What’s the most musical part of the chicken? The drumstick.
Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experi-mints.
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me.
What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The tur-key.
Where do you find a turkey with no legs? Where you left it.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? The letter g.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore.
Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food!
Welcome to the Sexual innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!
What did the big flower say to the little flower? “Hi, bud!”
What did the Baby corn ask Mama corn? “Where’s my pop corn?”
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity . I can’t put it down.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Why couldn’t the pony sing? Because she was a little hoarse.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do you get when you cross a ball and a cat? A fur ball.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What do you get when Santa becomes a detective? Santa clues.
What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
Want to hear another roof joke? It’s probably over your head.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They’re a fungi.
What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two tired.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
I’m really good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call a witch who goes to the beach? A sand-witch.
Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby? She was a little horse.
Why did the snake cross the road? To get to the other ssside.
What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to school? His heart wasn’t in it.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape? Lots of eggs-ercise.
What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
Why did the banana go to the hospital? He wasn’t peeling well.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? A pie-thon!
Where would you find an elephant? The same place you lost her.
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer.
When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand? On their feet.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
I never make mistakes. …I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
Why are jalapeños such good marksmen? Because they haben-arrow.
What duck walks on two feet? Donald Duck! No! All ducks, silly!
What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends? Pointless.
Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn’t my cup of tea.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn’t my racket.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
How do you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin.
What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.
Why are cats good at video games? Because they have nine lives.
What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me!
Why are electrons never invited to parties? They’re so negative.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!”
What do you call your grandma’s number on speed dial? Instagram.
What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous.
Why couldn’t the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll.
What was the child who wouldn’t nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’d just let it go.
A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
Why isn’t whispering permitted in class? Because it’s not aloud.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.
What’s big, scary and has three wheels? A monster on a tricycle.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off.
Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day.
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed.
Why did the man fall into the cistern? He couldn’t see that well.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there’s no pop quiz.
How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
What did Tarzan say to his wife? “Jane, it’s a jungle out there!”
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed!
What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a keyboard? The space bar.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What time is it when the clock strikes ? Time to get a new clock.
What did the little corn say to the mama corn? Where is pop corn?
How did the pirate get his flag so cheaply? He bought it on sail.
What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.
Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving? In the dictionary.
What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we cant’ stop this shit.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? The don’t meet the koalafications.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? “Pick a cod, any cod.”
What did the beaver say to the tree? “It’s been nice gnawing you.”
How do you determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes.
What did Mars ask Saturn? “Hey, can you give me a ring some time?”
What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? The space bar.
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
Who isn’t hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey—he’s already stuffed.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R detour.
What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride? A Holly Davidson.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both mesubstitutes.
Why did Adele cross the road? To sing, “Hello from the other side!
Why don’t ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline is apparent.
Why should you never trust stairs? They are always up to something.
What building in New York has the most stories? The public library!
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.
What do you call monkeys with a shared Amazon account? Prime mates.
Why did the computer always play “Someone Like You?” It was a Dell.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What’s the motto of the ghoul’s convention? The morgue the merrier.
Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
Why did the girl put her cake in the freezer? She wanted to ice it.
In what year does New Year’s Day come before Christmas? Every year.
“This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What does the sign on out-of-business brothel say? Beit. We’re closed.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he’s a pain in the neck.
What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? “Put it on my bill!”
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK.
Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.
Why was the Samsung phone’s camera blurry? It had lost its contacts.
Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.
My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It’s rated “Arrrrrrr.”
“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
I considered going into the ministry but I didn’t have an altar ego.
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat? When it’s full.
What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk? An udder failure.
Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a good joke? It might crack up.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.
What building in your town has the most stories? The public library.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Why are ghosts good cheerleaders? Because they have a lot of spirit!
Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To show he wasn’t a chicken.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? Whether they say ‘yes’ or ‘no’: K.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles.
Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday? It’s roar birthday.
Why was the turkey the drummer in the band? Because he had drumsticks.
What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon.
Where did the school kittens go for their field trip? To the mew-seum.
What wears a red suit and goes, “Oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backwards.
I tried to sure the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What do you call a group of berries playing instruments? A jam session.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
What did one wall say to the other wall? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.
Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It’s just so lava-ble.
Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!
She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Envelope.
What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don’t take me for granite.
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? When you’re a mouse.
How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer.
What did one colored egg say to the other? Heard any good yolks lately?
What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn? An eggroll.
What does the receptionist at sperm bank say when clients leave? Thanks for coming!
Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
How do you stay warm in any room? Go to the corner—it’s always degrees.
Why can you never trust an atom’s story? Because it makes up everything.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why should you never use “beef stew” as a password? It’s not stroganoff.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn’t stand the agony of de feet.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I’m changing!
What do turkeys and teddy bears have in common? They both have stuffing.
How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints.
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “dam”
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can’t venom all.
What did the guitar say to the musician? “Pick on someone your own size!”
Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.
What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
You can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? An iwitness.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline.
Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it’s never right.
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
Why don’t vampires have more friends? Because they are a pain in the neck.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck on the turkey’s foot.
Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because her mom and dad were in a jam.
Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
Did you hear the rumor about the butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it!
How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they arrr.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with.
. Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What did the alpaca say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Why should you never trust a carp’s excuse? They always seem a little fishy.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
If you want to make money as a comedian you have to have the cents of humor.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
They arrested the owner of a threatening bull–he was brought up on charges.
What did the painter say to the wall? “One more crack and I’ll plaster you!”
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink one? No, they both burn shorter.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buck an ear.
What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned.
Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s the whole sentence.
They say make up sex is the best… Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.
Why couldn’t the computer buy a new pair of jeans? It had spent all its cache.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
My cavity wasn’t fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing? Because they always drop their needles.
What do cakes and baseball teams have in common? They both need a good batter.
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I’m changing!
Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
Why did the little boy sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the short cuts!
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with a computer? A pine-apple.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.
It’s cleaning day so naturally, I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
What’s the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down his genes!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Yo Mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says, “Don’t spit, I can’t swim.”
Why did the little girl hit her birthday cake with a hammer? It was a pound cake.
Why did the kid throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.
Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.
Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can’t help but get jalapéno space.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”
What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? “Take me to your weeder!”
What did the toy store sign say? Don’t feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.
Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.
Why are men like diapers? They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left.
Why can’t Elsa from Frozen have a balloon? Because she will “let it go, let it go.”
Why did the Pilgrims sail from England to America? Because they missed their plane.
Why did Rudolph get a bad grade on his report card? Because he went down in history.
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Control Freak. Con… OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.
Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”
Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? Because it had more cents.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets..then it hit me.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t working with enough shifts.
What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? “How can you be so gruel?”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.
How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.
A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg
Can a turkey jump higher than Mount Everest? Yes, because a building can’t jump at all.
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the gray hares.
Check out Funny Quotes, Dad Jokes, Fun Facts, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, and Trivia for Kids!
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Dill with it.
What’s the one thing will you get every year on your birthday, guaranteed? A year older.
The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is “Many Hands make light work.”
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving little messages around the house.
Two penguins walk into a bar..which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.
How cyou tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Why was the equal sign so humble? Because he wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
Why was the fraction nervous about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”
Why do turkeys always say, “gobble, gobble”? Because they never learned good table manners.
Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down? Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re usually 90 degrees.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.
What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on , people.
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read “Hiss” and “Hearse”.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.
Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”
Why do candles always go on the top of cakes? Because it’s hard to light them from the bottom.
What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
What do you get when you light 16 candles under a romantic comedy lead actor? John Bar-be-Cusak.
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor? It needed help figuring out its problems.
Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? “No thanks, I’m traveling light!”
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Why did the school kids eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
Why should you knock on the refrigerator before opening the door? In case there is a salad dressing
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to backLuckily I was the one facing the telly.
What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
What do you think of that new diner on the moon? Food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.
What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? They’re both red except for the green one.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the policeHe’s now a seasoned veteran.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except oneHe’s never gonna give you up.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
Two fish are sitting in a tankOne looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.
How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket? Only one because after that, it’s not empty.
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” whack.
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.
What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head. What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
Two whales walk into a barThe first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, SteveYou’re drunk.”
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender. “You’re Bard!”
I asked my partner if I wthe only one, she’s/he’s been with. She/he said, “Yes, the others were least sevens or eights”
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.
What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo!”
A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer … and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ’round the world.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
What is the difference between a cat that got photocopied and a cat that follows you? One is a cat copy; the other is a copy cat.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive”
A duck walks into a pharmacy to buy some Chapstick. The clerk asks, “Will that be cash or credit?” The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘ No change yet.’
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? “Brothers and sisters, let us spray.”
There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, “C’mon lady, I’m a fun guy.”
Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “Oh, pun the door!”
A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

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