A ton of short funny jokes

This could be one of the largest collections of short funny jokes that you’ll find in one place online. It includes a HUGE variety of short goofy jokes, one-liners and some great horrible puns.

  • Male deer have buck teeth.
  • Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
  • What comes after 69? mouthwash.
  • Cannibals like to meat people.
  • What color is a belch? Burple.
  • A baby seal walks into a club.
  • What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
  • A backwards poet writes inverse.
  • A horse is a very stable animal.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  • Want to hear a potassium joke? K.
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • What is brown and sticky? A stick
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
  • How does Moses make tea? He brews.
  • What is sticky and brown? A stick!
  • Where do sick fish go? To the dock.
  • Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless
  • What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be…
  • Can February March? No but April May
  • What kind of Bees produce milk? Boobees
  • Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
  • How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
  • Where does bad light end up? In prism.
  • Can February march? No, but April may.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.
  • In some places fog will never be mist.
  • What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
  • What language do pigs speak? Pig Latin.
  • Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na.
  • What is a mummy’s favorite food? Wraps.
  • How does Reese eat cereal? Witherspoon.
  • A pessimist’s blood type is b-negative.
  • What is the gambler’s heaven? Paradise.
  • What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
  • How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
  • Yo Mama so old God signed her yearbook.
  • What key won’t open any door? A turkey.
  • What do you call bears with no ears? B.
  • What has legs, arms, and eyes? pirates.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? Impasta.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • What’s Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
  • I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
  • Whats 72? 69 with three people watching.
  • What do dentists call X-rays? Tooth pics.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
  • How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
  • Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
  • What is a ghost’s nose full of? Boo-gers.
  • Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll
  • Have I told you this deja vu joke before?
  • How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
  • I hated beards, but they’re growing on me.
  • What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
  • How do trees get online? They just log on!
  • When is a door not a door? When it is ajar
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
  • How do you talk to a giant? Use big words.
  • What is a cat’s favorite color? Purrr-ple.
  • What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies.
  • A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  • What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell!
  • What mouse walks on two feet? Mickey Mouse.
  • Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
  • What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  • How do you throw a space party? You planet.
  • The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
  • Why can’t male ants sink? They’re buoy-ant.
  • How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
  • What kind of water can’t freeze? Hot water.
  • What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.
  • Yo Mama so small her best friend is an ant.
  • What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1.
  • What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper!
  • How do you throw a space party? You planet!
  • I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves.
  • What do you call a bear with no ears? A “B”!
  • How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
  • What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
  • Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • What goes up but never comes down? Your age.
  • What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
  • Yo Mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
  • What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
  • An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
  • What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than “A” bra
  • What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
  • How does a rabbi make his coffee? Hebrews it.
  • What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
  • How do ghosts wash their hair? With sham-boo.
  • What cat likes living in water? An octo-puss.
  • Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice!
  • How did the bullet lose its job? It got fired.
  • How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
  • How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
  • What does a cow use to do math? A cow-culator.
  • How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.
  • How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  • How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
  • What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
  • What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!
  • Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
  • How do trees access the internet? They log in.
  • What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip.
  • What kinds of pants do ghosts wear? Boo-jeans.
  • What do you call guys who love math? Algebros.
  • Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
  • What would bears be without the letter B? Ears.
  • Why are snails bad at racing? They’re sluggish.
  • What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!
  • What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
  • What do you call a flea in France? A paris-ite.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
  • Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
  • What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts
  • How do you make a lemon drop? Just let it fall.
  • What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Snow.
  • . What kind of shoes do robbers wear? Sneakers.
  • What room does a ghost not need? A living room.
  • What’s a cat’s favorite magazine? A cat-alogue.
  • What kind of music do mummies love? Wrap music.
  • What is a monster’s favorite dessert? I scream.
  • What do birds say on Halloween? Trick or tweet.
  • What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
  • What do you call expert fisherman? A Master Baiter
  • Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed.
  • Which bird has the worst manners? Mocking birds.
  • What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
  • What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • What did the zero say to the eight? “Nice belt.”
  • Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • I tried looking for gold, but it didn’t pan out.
  • I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
  • Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
  • What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
  • What is a mouse’s favorite game? Hide and Squeak
  • What’s a three-season bed? One without a spring.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
  • What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
  • What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
  • Why did the bee get married? He found his honey.
  • What animal is always at a baseball game? A bat.
  • What does every birthday end with? The letter Y.
  • Yo Mama so old her memory is in black and white.
  • What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
  • What did the paper say to the pencil? “Write on!”
  • Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
  • What do you call a TV vaccination? A screen-shot.
  • Why do smartphones ring? Because they can’t talk.
  • What do you call a happy camper? A Jolly Rancher.
  • What do frogs order at restaurants? French flies.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
  • What do you call a freshly fallen tree? Die Hard.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
  • Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  • What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.
  • How do poets say hello? Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
  • Rest in peace to boiling water. You will be mist.
  • What’s an astronaut’s favorite candy? A Mars bar.
  • What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The Bunny Hop.
  • What song does a cat like best? Three Blind Mice.
  • What does a witch use to do her hair? Scarespray.
  • Are black cats bad luck? Sure, if you’re a mouse.
  • What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
  • Where do polar bears keep their money? A snowbank.
  • What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
  • What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
  • How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
  • What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1.
  • A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
  • How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.
  • I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
  • Where does McDonald’s get its burgers from? Macau.
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
  • What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes.
  • How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? A pumpkin patch.
  • What kind of dog does Dracula have? A blood hound.
  • What position does a ghost play in hockey? Ghoulie
  • What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
  • I went on a once in a lifetime holidayNever again.
  • You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
  • You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
  • What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? carrot gold.
  • What time do you go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty.
  • What do you call a video game rematch? A Wii-match.
  • Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moovies.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  • How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
  • Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
  • Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
  • Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
  • What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
  • Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!
  • What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
  • Yo Mama so small she has to slam-dunk her bus fare.
  • What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
  • What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
  • What is a tornado’s favorite game to play? Twister.
  • How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.
  • What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange.
  • How do you fix a broken gourd? With a pumpkin patch.
  • Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
  • What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.
  • Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  • Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
  • Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
  • What’s Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O’Furniture.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out!
  • Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  • What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
  • Where do cows go for entertainment? The mooooo-vies!
  • Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
  • What is an elf’s favorite kind of music? Wrap music.
  • What is a computer’s favorite snack? Computer chips.
  • Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
  • What instrument does a skeleton play? The trom-bone.
  • Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatch-et.
  • How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.
  • Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
  • I hate Russian dolls… they’re so full of themselves!
  • Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out!
  • Why is afraid of ? Because is a registered offender.
  • Why do comedians love eggs? They’re easy to crack up.
  • What is a flea’s favorite way to travel? Itch hiking.
  • How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
  • I used to be a baker, but I didn’t make enough dough.
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
  • What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  • Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.
  • What do road crews use at the North Pole? Snow cones.
  • Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
  • How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad.
  • Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
  • What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse!
  • How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
  • Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
  • Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
  • What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
  • What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
  • On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
  • What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
  • What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
  • What fruit do scarecrows love the most? Straw-berries.
  • Why did the zombie skip school? He was feeling rotten.
  • What monster plays tricks on Halloween? Prank-enstein.
  • How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
  • What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
  • What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in
  • To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
  • Why can you never gossip in a cornfield? Too many ears.
  • How much does a neutron pay for electricity? No charge.
  • Want to hear a roof joke? The first one’s on the house.
  • Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleeves!
  • What kind of music do the planets listen to? Nep-tunes!
  • What do you call a fancy seafood meal? So-fish-ticated.
  • What do you call a nearsighted cowboy? Squint Eastwood.
  • How do you tickle a rich girl? Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
  • Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
  • They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
  • What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
  • What’s a chimney sweep’s most common ailment? The flue.
  • What’s the definition of a will? (it’s a dead giveaway)
  • Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
  • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
  • What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  • Why can’t a bicycle stand on it’s own? It is two tired.
  • What candy do you eat on the playground? Recess pieces.
  • What do you call a bunny who isn’t smart? A hare brain.
  • What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
  • What did the banana say to the dog? Bananas can’t talk.
  • What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt? Snow.
  • How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night.
  • How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern…
  • What’s E.Tshort for? Because he’s only got little legs.
  • Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
  • Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed!
  • What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey? A pouch potato.
  • I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
  • I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
  • It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  • Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  • What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
  • What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”
  • When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.
  • When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  • Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.
  • Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
  • How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
  • Why did the M&M go to school? It wanted to be a Smartie.
  • What are shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard!
  • Where does the sheep get his hair cut? The baa baa shop!
  • How do you fit more pigs on a farm? Build a sty-scraper.
  • Are monsters good at math? Not unless you count Dracula.
  • What do you call it when it rains turkeys? Foul weather.
  • What do you call a cow that won’t give milk? A milk dud.
  • What do you give a vampire when he’s sick? Coffin drops.
  • What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? A har-vest.
  • What do you call a reindeer with bad manners? Rude-olph.
  • Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
  • What did one toilet say to the other? “You look flushed.”
  • What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
  • Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.
  • A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
  • I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
  • I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
  • Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
  • What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
  • Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  • How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
  • What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.
  • What did the cat say when he fell off the table? “Me-ow.”
  • What happens when a vampire goes in the snow? Frost bite.
  • What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.
  • What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner? Your nose.
  • What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock.
  • What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A funny bunny.
  • What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
  • Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
  • What did the nose say to the finger? “Quit picking on me!”
  • Why can’t Elsa have a balloon? Because she will let it go.
  • What’s another name for an iPhone power cord? Apple juice.
  • Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
  • Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
  • What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
  • What goes “Ha, ha, ha, plop”? A man laughing his head off.
  • Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don’t work.
  • How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  • Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
  • Why don’t elephants chew gum? They do, just not in public.
  • What’s the best thing to put into pumpkin pie? Your teeth.
  • Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day-scare centers.
  • What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? That hit the spot.
  • Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there’s no point.
  • “I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
  • What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!
  • What are a shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard!
  • Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
  • I have many jokes about rich kids—sadly none of them work.
  • Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.
  • Why do they serve yogurt at museums? Because it’s cultured.
  • Where do cows go on Friday nights? They go to the moo-vies!
  • What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!
  • Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  • Why did the onion get flustered? It saw the salad dressing.
  • Why do crabs never share their lobsters? They’re shellfish.
  • What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence.
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
  • I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn’t stick with it.
  • I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
  • I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
  • What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
  • What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
  • Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
  • I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
  • Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal.
  • What’s the most musical part of the chicken? The drumstick.
  • Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
  • How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experi-mints.
  • What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me.
  • What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The tur-key.
  • Where do you find a turkey with no legs? Where you left it.
  • What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? The letter g.
  • What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
  • What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore.
  • Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food!
  • Welcome to the Sexual innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
  • Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!
  • What did the big flower say to the little flower? “Hi, bud!”
  • What did the Baby corn ask Mama corn? “Where’s my pop corn?”
  • An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
  • I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity . I can’t put it down.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • Why couldn’t the pony sing? Because she was a little hoarse.
  • Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
  • What do you get when you cross a ball and a cat? A fur ball.
  • Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
  • What do you get when Santa becomes a detective? Santa clues.
  • What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday.
  • I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
  • Want to hear another roof joke? It’s probably over your head.
  • Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
  • Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? They’re a fungi.
  • What kind of fruit do you bring while sailing? Naval oranges.
  • What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
  • Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two tired.
  • Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
  • I’m really good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
  • What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved.
  • What do you call a witch who goes to the beach? A sand-witch.
  • Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby? She was a little horse.
  • Why did the snake cross the road? To get to the other ssside.
  • What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
  • What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit.
  • Why didn’t the skeleton go to school? His heart wasn’t in it.
  • How does the Easter bunny stay in shape? Lots of eggs-ercise.
  • What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
  • Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
  • Why did the banana go to the hospital? He wasn’t peeling well.
  • How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
  • A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  • What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics.
  • What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  • When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
  • What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
  • I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
  • Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
  • What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? A pie-thon!
  • Where would you find an elephant? The same place you lost her.
  • How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer.
  • When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand? On their feet.
  • Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
  • What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
  • What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
  • I never make mistakes. …I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
  • Why are jalapeños such good marksmen? Because they haben-arrow.
  • What duck walks on two feet? Donald Duck! No! All ducks, silly!
  • What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends? Pointless.
  • Why did the laptop show up late to school? It had a hard drive.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
  • I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn’t my cup of tea.
  • I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn’t my racket.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
  • Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.
  • Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  • What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train.
  • What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
  • If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
  • What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
  • How do you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin.
  • What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.
  • Why are cats good at video games? Because they have nine lives.
  • What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum
  • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me!
  • Why are electrons never invited to parties? They’re so negative.
  • Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
  • What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!”
  • What do you call your grandma’s number on speed dial? Instagram.
  • What do you call an iPhone with no sense of humor? Too Siri-ous.
  • Why couldn’t the sesame seed get off the hill? It was on a roll.
  • What was the child who wouldn’t nap guilty of? Resisting a rest!
  • Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’d just let it go.
  • A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
  • A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”
  • I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
  • Why isn’t whispering permitted in class? Because it’s not aloud.
  • Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.
  • What’s big, scary and has three wheels? A monster on a tricycle.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off.
  • Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day.
  • Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
  • Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed.
  • Why did the man fall into the cistern? He couldn’t see that well.
  • Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  • Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there’s no pop quiz.
  • How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
  • The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
  • What did Tarzan say to his wife? “Jane, it’s a jungle out there!”
  • What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
  • Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
  • What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  • Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed!
  • What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a keyboard? The space bar.
  • Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
  • What time is it when the clock strikes ? Time to get a new clock.
  • What did the little corn say to the mama corn? Where is pop corn?
  • How did the pirate get his flag so cheaply? He bought it on sail.
  • What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.
  • Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving? In the dictionary.
  • What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we cant’ stop this shit.
  • Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom
  • Why aren’t koalas actual bears? The don’t meet the koalafications.
  • What did the fisherman say to the magician? “Pick a cod, any cod.”
  • What did the beaver say to the tree? “It’s been nice gnawing you.”
  • How do you determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes.
  • What did Mars ask Saturn? “Hey, can you give me a ring some time?”
  • What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.
  • I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
  • If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  • What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
  • What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
  • Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.
  • Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
  • What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? The space bar.
  • Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
  • Who isn’t hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey—he’s already stuffed.
  • What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R detour.
  • What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride? A Holly Davidson.
  • Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  • What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both mesubstitutes.
  • Why did Adele cross the road? To sing, “Hello from the other side!
  • Why don’t ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
  • When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline is apparent.
  • Why should you never trust stairs? They are always up to something.
  • What building in New York has the most stories? The public library!
  • What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.
  • What do you call monkeys with a shared Amazon account? Prime mates.
  • Why did the computer always play “Someone Like You?” It was a Dell.
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
  • Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  • What’s the motto of the ghoul’s convention? The morgue the merrier.
  • Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
  • Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.
  • Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.
  • What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
  • Why did the girl put her cake in the freezer? She wanted to ice it.
  • In what year does New Year’s Day come before Christmas? Every year.
  • “This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
  • I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  • What does the sign on out-of-business brothel say? Beit. We’re closed.
  • What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
  • Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he’s a pain in the neck.
  • What did the duck say when it bought chapstick? “Put it on my bill!”
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
  • How did the chemist feel about oxygen and potassium hanging out? OK.
  • Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.
  • Why was the Samsung phone’s camera blurry? It had lost its contacts.
  • Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.
  • My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
  • What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.
  • Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It’s rated “Arrrrrrr.”
  • “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
  • I considered going into the ministry but I didn’t have an altar ego.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
  • Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize
  • Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
  • Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
  • Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
  • How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat? When it’s full.
  • What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk? An udder failure.
  • Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a good joke? It might crack up.
  • What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
  • What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.
  • What building in your town has the most stories? The public library.
  • What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
  • If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
  • Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
  • How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
  • What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
  • Why are ghosts good cheerleaders? Because they have a lot of spirit!
  • Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
  • How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
  • Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
  • What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
  • Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
  • Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
  • Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
  • Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To show he wasn’t a chicken.
  • Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
  • Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? Whether they say ‘yes’ or ‘no’: K.
  • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
  • How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles.
  • Why is the cemetery so popular? People are just dying to get in there!
  • How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
  • What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
  • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”
  • A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
  • He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
  • Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
  • What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.
  • What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday? It’s roar birthday.
  • Why was the turkey the drummer in the band? Because he had drumsticks.
  • What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon.
  • Where did the school kittens go for their field trip? To the mew-seum.
  • What wears a red suit and goes, “Oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backwards.
  • I tried to sure the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
  • What do you call a group of berries playing instruments? A jam session.
  • What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
  • What did one wall say to the other wall? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
  • Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.
  • Why did everyone enjoy being around the volcano? It’s just so lava-ble.
  • Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!
  • She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.
  • What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
  • What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Envelope.
  • What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don’t take me for granite.
  • When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? When you’re a mouse.
  • How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer.
  • What did one colored egg say to the other? Heard any good yolks lately?
  • What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn? An eggroll.
  • What does the receptionist at sperm bank say when clients leave? Thanks for coming!
  • Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
  • What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
  • How do you stay warm in any room? Go to the corner—it’s always degrees.
  • Why can you never trust an atom’s story? Because it makes up everything.
  • How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
  • Why should you never use “beef stew” as a password? It’s not stroganoff.
  • I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn’t stand the agony of de feet.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  • The dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I’m changing!
  • What do turkeys and teddy bears have in common? They both have stuffing.
  • How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints.
  • Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
  • What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted? Nothing, because he was already stuffed.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “dam”
  • What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can’t venom all.
  • What did the guitar say to the musician? “Pick on someone your own size!”
  • Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells.
  • Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.
  • What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
  • I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • You can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.
  • What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
  • Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
  • What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? An iwitness.
  • What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline.
  • Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it’s never right.
  • How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
  • Why don’t vampires have more friends? Because they are a pain in the neck.
  • Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck on the turkey’s foot.
  • Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because her mom and dad were in a jam.
  • Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  • I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
  • Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool.
  • Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood.
  • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
  • Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
  • Did you hear the rumor about the butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it!
  • How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they arrr.
  • Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with.
  • . Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  • What did the alpaca say to his date? “Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
  • Why should you never trust a carp’s excuse? They always seem a little fishy.
  • He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
  • If you want to make money as a comedian you have to have the cents of humor.
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • They arrested the owner of a threatening bull–he was brought up on charges.
  • What did the painter say to the wall? “One more crack and I’ll plaster you!”
  • What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
  • Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
  • Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
  • Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • Does a green candle burn longer than a pink one? No, they both burn shorter.
  • How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buck an ear.
  • What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned.
  • Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s the whole sentence.
  • They say make up sex is the best… Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
  • Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
  • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
  • What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
  • What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  • What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
  • What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny.
  • Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.
  • Why couldn’t the computer buy a new pair of jeans? It had spent all its cache.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
  • I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
  • My cavity wasn’t fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
  • Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
  • Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
  • Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing? Because they always drop their needles.
  • What do cakes and baseball teams have in common? They both need a good batter.
  • A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
  • My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
  • I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
  • What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I’m changing!
  • Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.
  • They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
  • Why did the little boy sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
  • Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
  • Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
  • Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
  • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
  • Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
  • Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
  • Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the short cuts!
  • Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.
  • What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.
  • What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with a computer? A pine-apple.
  • If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.
  • It’s cleaning day so naturally, I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
  • Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
  • What’s the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down his genes!
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.
  • Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
  • Yo Mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says, “Don’t spit, I can’t swim.”
  • Why did the little girl hit her birthday cake with a hammer? It was a pound cake.
  • Why did the kid throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.
  • What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  • Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.
  • Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.
  • Why is the hot pepper the nosiest vegetable? It can’t help but get jalapéno space.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
  • Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”
  • What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? “Take me to your weeder!”
  • What did the toy store sign say? Don’t feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
  • What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
  • What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
  • Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.
  • Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.
  • Why are men like diapers? They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”
  • Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left.
  • Why can’t Elsa from Frozen have a balloon? Because she will “let it go, let it go.”
  • Why did the Pilgrims sail from England to America? Because they missed their plane.
  • Why did Rudolph get a bad grade on his report card? Because he went down in history.
  • Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Control Freak. Con… OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.
  • Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.
  • Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
  • Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
  • What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
  • What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”
  • Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? Because it had more cents.
  • It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  • They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
  • I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets..then it hit me.
  • What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
  • Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t working with enough shifts.
  • What do you call a security guard outside of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
  • I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
  • What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? “How can you be so gruel?”
  • Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
  • Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.
  • How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
  • Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.
  • A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
  • Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  • What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.
  • What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg
  • Can a turkey jump higher than Mount Everest? Yes, because a building can’t jump at all.
  • How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the gray hares.
  • Check out Funny Quotes, Dad Jokes, Fun Facts, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, and Trivia for Kids!
  • I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
  • What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
  • Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Dill with it.
  • What’s the one thing will you get every year on your birthday, guaranteed? A year older.
  • The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is “Many Hands make light work.”
  • Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.
  • Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving little messages around the house.
  • Two penguins walk into a bar..which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.
  • How cyou tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
  • Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
  • What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
  • Why was the equal sign so humble? Because he wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
  • Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
  • Why was the fraction nervous about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
  • Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.
  • Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”
  • Why do turkeys always say, “gobble, gobble”? Because they never learned good table manners.
  • Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down? Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
  • I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  • If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re usually 90 degrees.
  • What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
  • Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.
  • What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on , people.
  • A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read “Hiss” and “Hearse”.
  • All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
  • The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.
  • Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole.
  • Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
  • Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  • Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”
  • Why do candles always go on the top of cakes? Because it’s hard to light them from the bottom.
  • What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
  • What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.
  • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
  • Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the road? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
  • What do you get when you light 16 candles under a romantic comedy lead actor? John Bar-be-Cusak.
  • At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”
  • Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
  • What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
  • What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
  • There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
  • Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  • Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor? It needed help figuring out its problems.
  • Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
  • I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
  • Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
  • What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag? “No thanks, I’m traveling light!”
  • Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • Why did the school kids eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
  • Why should you knock on the refrigerator before opening the door? In case there is a salad dressing
  • What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
  • My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
  • What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
  • How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
  • I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
  • What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
  • Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to backLuckily I was the one facing the telly.
  • What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
  • What do you think of that new diner on the moon? Food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.
  • What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? They’re both red except for the green one.
  • A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the policeHe’s now a seasoned veteran.
  • My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
  • Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  • My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
  • What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.
  • What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
  • Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
  • Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except oneHe’s never gonna give you up.
  • What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
  • Did you hear about the power outlet that got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
  • Two fish are sitting in a tankOne looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
  • Why are helium, curium, and barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.
  • How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket? Only one because after that, it’s not empty.
  • Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
  • A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
  • What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” whack.
  • What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
  • When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.
  • What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head. What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
  • The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
  • Two whales walk into a barThe first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, SteveYou’re drunk.”
  • Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender. “You’re Bard!”
  • I asked my partner if I wthe only one, she’s/he’s been with. She/he said, “Yes, the others were least sevens or eights”
  • There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
  • What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
  • A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.
  • What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo!”
  • A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer … and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”
  • Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ’round the world.
  • What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
  • What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
  • I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  • Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
  • What is the difference between a cat that got photocopied and a cat that follows you? One is a cat copy; the other is a copy cat.
  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive”
  • A duck walks into a pharmacy to buy some Chapstick. The clerk asks, “Will that be cash or credit?” The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”
  • A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
  • A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
  • A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘ No change yet.’
  • I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’
  • Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
  • What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? “Brothers and sisters, let us spray.”
  • There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
  • Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  • This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, “C’mon lady, I’m a fun guy.”
  • Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.
  • A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “Oh, pun the door!”
  • A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.
  • Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.