Stop Saying Nothing: A Snarky Roast of Small Talk and the People Who Can’t Stop Using It
Small talk is the limp handshake of human communication. It’s the verbal equivalent of iceberg lettuce: technically food, but offering absolutely nothing of value. And yet, millions of well-meaning humans continue to fling these conversational croutons at each other as if they’re doing society a favor.
You know the lines. You’ve heard them. You’ve probably used them—don’t worry, this is a judgment-safe space (just kidding, this is a roast, no one is safe).
Let’s review the usual suspects:
“Good morning!”
“Crazy weather we’re having!”
“Did you find the place okay?”
“How was your flight?”
“Got any plans this weekend?”
Congratulations: you’ve successfully opened your mouth and said nothing.
Top 20 Small-Talk Expressions (Vapid Edition)
- “Good morning!”
- “How was your trip?”
- “How was your flight?”
- “How’s the weather over there?”
- “Crazy weather we’re having, huh?”
- “How have you been?”
- “How’s work going?”
- “Got any plans this weekend?”
- “How’s the family?”
- “Did you find the place okay?”
- “How was the traffic?”
- “Can you believe it’s already [day/month/season]?”
- “Busy day today?”
- “Did you sleep well?”
- “How’s your day going so far?”
- “What’s new with you?”
- “Did you catch the game last night?”
- “How’s everything?”
- “Long time no see!”
- “So… how’ve you been keeping?”
Why Do People Do This?
Because humanity is terrified of silence. If aliens landed tomorrow, we’d greet them with:
“Uh… hey guys, how was the trip?”
Just in case the extraterrestrials were worried there might be traffic on the Milky Way.
Small talk is supposed to “break the ice,” but let’s be honest: most people are out here lightly tapping the ice with a plastic spoon. This isn’t breaking—it’s barely scratching.
Small Talk Hall-of-Famers
Some phrases are so textbook, so universally recycled, they deserve their own museum wing. These include:
- “How have you been?” (Translation: I don’t actually care, but social convention demands this noise.)
- “How’s work going?” (This is how adults say “What do you even do all day?”)
- “Can you believe it’s already [month/season]?” (Yes, Janet, time continues to pass.)
- “Busy day today?” (Asking this in an office is like asking a fish if it’s wet.)
- “Did you sleep well?” (No one ever answers honestly. It’s always “Yeah, pretty good,” even if they woke up seven times and fought three imaginary demons.)
It’s stunning how many words people can string together while delivering absolutely zero information. It’s like watching someone decorate cardboard and calling it interior design.
The Problem: Small Talk Pretends To Be Connection
The tragedy of small talk is that it masquerades as connection. But it’s really the conversational equivalent of spam emails that start with “Hope this message finds you well!” No thought. No substance. No humanity. Just auto-generated noises.
Imagine if you walked into a room and someone greeted you with:
“Tell me something that made you laugh this week.”
Now that is a conversation starter.
But instead, we get:
“Crazy weather, huh?”
Weather. Always weather. The fallback topic for people who don’t trust themselves enough to say literally anything else.
But There’s Hope: You Can Be Interesting
If you want to stand out in a world filled with conversational styrofoam, here are some options that don’t make people’s souls leave their bodies:
- Ask something oddly specific. (“What’s the weirdest thing you’ve eaten this year?”)
- Ask about something people actually care about. (“What’s the best thing you’ve bought under $50?”)
- Ask something that creates a story. (“What’s the most ridiculous thing that happened to you this week?”)
- Ask something with personality. (“If your mood today was a weather forecast, what would it be?”)
People don’t remember polite blandness. They remember wit, curiosity, and the occasional curveball.
In Conclusion: Stop Wasting Air
Life is too short for “How’s your day going?” when you could be asking,
“If you could replace all traffic lights with something else, what would you choose?”
Small talk isn’t evil—it’s just boring. A conversational treadmill that keeps your mouth moving while going absolutely nowhere.
So next time someone throws a “Good morning!” your way, consider responding with something that actually wakes their brain up.
Or at least something that makes them regret opening their mouth first.
Either way, congratulations—you’ve just risen above the kingdom of conversational cardboard.