How to wipe your butt properly

Let’s have an uncomfortable but necessary conversation.

Somewhere along the way, society failed you.

Because there are grown adults walking among us—driving cars, voting, reproducing—who apparently never mastered the fine art of wiping their own backside. And we all know who they are. You’ve smelled them. You’ve shared a bathroom with them. You’ve watched them annihilate half a roll of toilet paper like they’re insulating a cabin for winter.

This usually starts in childhood.

Let’s be honest, folks. We’ve all been there. You walk into a public restroom, and it looks like a toilet paper factory exploded. Or maybe you’re at a friend’s house, and their porcelain throne is practically overflowing with a paper-mâché monument to poor wiping technique. The culprit? Often, it’s a tragic tale of parental neglect in the most fundamental area of self-care. Yes, we’re talking about butt-wiping, people!

No one really teaches kids how to wipe correctly. It takes a rare, elite parent to say, “Come here, Timmy. Today, we’re going to learn about angles, efficiency, and paper management.” Most parents are just trying to survive the day. So kids grow up thinking the solution to every bathroom crisis is: “MORE PAPER.”

It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta teach it, and since most parents these days are too busy scrolling through TikTok to impart this crucial life skill, we’re stepping in. Because nobody wants to be “that guy” with a perpetually questionable rear end. Or, worse, the parent of “that guy” who’s constantly summoning the plumber because their kid is trying to mummify the toilet with an entire roll of Charmin.

Step-by-Step Guide for the Uninitiated❤️💩👌

So, let’s get down to brass tacks (and hopefully, not actual tacks, that would be painful). Here’s the gospel of the perfectly clean caboose, using minimal paper and maximum efficiency:

The Three-Square Method: A Revelation!

1. The Fold of Fortune: Take exactly three squares of toilet paper. Not more, not less. Fold that bad boy in half, then fold it in half again. Voila! You now have four glorious thicknesses of paper, ready for action.
2. The Initial Assault:
   • Ladies: This is crucial. Always wipe from front to back. We’re trying to keep things fresh and avoid any “funky nether region” situations, if you catch my drift. Nobody wants a UTI because they forgot basic anatomy.
   • Gentlemen: You’ve got a bit more flexibility, you lucky stiffs. Standing up, spreading a cheek, and reaching between your legs for a forward wipe is often the easiest. Just be mindful not to drag it too far forward, unless you’re aiming for “doodad funk,” which we strongly advise against.
3. The Flip and Repeat: After your initial wipe, observe the evidence on your paper. Now, here’s the magic: fold the paper over, creating a fresh, clean surface. Wipe again! That’s two wipes from your original three squares. Efficiency, baby!
4. The Grand Finale (and the Fiber Factor): Depending on your dietary fiber intake (and let’s be real, most of us could use more), you should only need about three to four wipes total to achieve pristine perfection. If you’re still looking like a Jackson Pollock painting after four passes, you might need to re-evaluate your diet… or your technique.

The Ultimate Cleanse: For the Truly Dedicated

For those who aspire to truly squeaky-clean glory, a little post-paper pampering is in order. Grab some wet wipes (the flushable kind, please, we’re trying to avoid plumbing disasters) or, even better, tear a paper towel in half, stack a few, and slightly dampen one. A quick, gentle wipe with a damp cloth will leave your cornhole feeling clean and refreshed.

Now go forth, enlightened readers, and spread the gospel of proper wiping. Your toilets, your plumbers, and your significant others will be eternally grateful.

Ok Kids! Now everyone, sing along! 💩😁🎵

🎵 Doo Do’s & Doo Don’ts

(Okay kids… everybody sing!)

If the turd is big — ker-plunk!
Flush it first, don’t mix the junk!

Grab three squares, that will do,
Not the whole dang roll for poo!

Fold it once, fold it twice,
Keep your fingers clean and nice!

Wipe your butt, front to back,
Nice and smooth — no wild attack!

Check it quick — are you clean?
If not… repeat the scene!

Three squares, two folds — that’s the way!
Happy pipes and a happy day! 🧻🎉

The Police version (Sting would be so proud)

“The Poo Poo Poo, The Da Da Da”

Don’t think me unkind
The three squares are hard to find
They’re the only sheets I’ve left behind
From the banks of fiber in my mind
And when the Jackson Pollock paints me
The lack of logic surely taints me

Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
Is all I want to say to you
Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
The triple-fold will pull me through
Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
Front to back is the only view
Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
Keep it clean and start anew

Ladies, gents, and technicians
Have the “Fold of Fortune” for positions
Step one: three squares for your mission
No more, no less, is the tradition
‘Cause when the “doodad funk” escapes you
The wrong direction really spreads poo

Fold it once, then fold again
Four thicknesses to make a friend
Observe the evidence, then flip the face
Efficiency in every space!

Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
Is all I want to say to you
Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
The triple-fold will pull me through
Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
Front to back is the only view
Poo poo poo, doo doo doo
Keep it clean and start anew

Grab a wet wipe for the glory
End this “cornhole” cleanup story
Dampen the towel, stay refreshed
Put your technique to the test!
(Poo poo poo, doo doo doo…)