The “How’s It Going?” Roast: Congratulations on Doing the Absolute Least
We need to talk about a systemic epidemic of conversational laziness sweeping the nation. It’s not the phone addiction. It’s not the ghosting. It’s the three-word death sentence to any potentially interesting interaction:
“How’s it going?”
Is there anything more utterly bankrupt of effort? You call someone you’ve known for ten years, or you run into a close friend at a coffee shop, and instead of greeting them like a human being with a functioning brain, you drop “How’s it going?” like a conversational flashbang and shield your eyes.
The Roast: You’re Not Greeting Me, You’re Assigning Me Homework
Let’s be brutally honest: saying “How’s it going?” is the verbal equivalent of a project manager dumping a messy spreadsheet on your desk at 4:55 PM on a Friday and saying, “You figure it out.”
You are literally putting the entire burden of the interaction on the other person. You brought zero percent of the energy. You didn’t bring a story, you didn’t bring a specific question, you didn’t even bring a mild observation about the weather. You just opened your mouth, let out some warm air, and forced me to summarize the entire trajectory of my current existence so you don’t have to think.
Here is a breakdown of what “How’s it going?” actually communicates to the recipient:
| What You Say | What It Actually Means |
| “How’s it going?” | “I have absolutely nothing happening in my brain right now, please fix this silence.” |
| “Hey man, how’s it going?” | “I am phoning this conversation in from a deep, dark abyss of personal boredom.” |
| “How’s it going lately?” | “I want the credit for being a good friend without doing any of the actual labor of being a good friend.” |
The “How’s it Going” Paradox: If things are going badly, I now have to decide whether to ruin your day with the truth or lie to you. If things are going great, I sound like I’m bragging. Thanks for putting me in a lose-lose situation before we’ve even been talking for five seconds.
If you are a chronic “How’s it going?” offender, you aren’t catching up. You’re just checking my conversational pulse because you’re too lazy to beat your own heart.
Self-Help Guide: How to Stop Being a Boring Conversation Vampire
If the roast hit a little too close to home, don’t panic. You can rehabilitate your conversational skills. Here is your quick guide to stepping up your game, bringing some actual value to the table, and keeping your friends from rolling their eyes when your name pops up on their phone.
1. The “Specific Hook” Method
Instead of asking a broad, existential question that requires a PowerPoint presentation to answer, ask about one specific thing. It shows you actually remember who they are.
- Stop saying: “How’s it going?”
- Start saying: “Hey, did you ever finish that crazy kitchen remodel?” or “Did your dog ever recover from eating that entire block of cheese?”
2. Lead with the Lead
If you’re the one making the call or instigating the meetup, you are the host of the interaction. Act like it. Offer a piece of your own life first so they have something to react to.
- Stop saying: “Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?”
- Start saying: “You will not believe the bizarre interaction I just had at the grocery store,” or “I just watched the worst movie of my entire life and I need to vent about it.”
3. The “Last Time I Saw You” Rule
If you know the person well, jump-start the chat by referencing your last shared memory. It builds immediate rapport and requires zero heavy lifting from them.
- Stop saying: “Hey, long time no see. How’s it going?”
- Start saying: “I was just thinking about that disastrous camping trip we took last summer and it reminded me to call you.”
The Golden Rule
The next time you’re about to dial a friend or walk up to a buddy, take three seconds to mine your own brain for a single interesting thought, a specific question, or a piece of news. Stop making your friends do the emotional labor of entertaining you just because you walked into the room.