Funny Dad Jokes

Here’s a huge list of pretty funny Dad jokes. We will keep updating this list with more so check back for the latest corny Dad jokes!

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
Bad How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
Best Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? There are too many ears all around.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Corny What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
Did you hear about the archeologist that got fired? Now his career is in ruins.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.
Did you hear about the cleaners who went to space? They ended up scrubbing the mission.
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He’s at the hospital waiting to be seen.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? They woke him up.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get a crown.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.
Did you hear about the two rowboats that got into an argument? It was an oar-deal.
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
Dumb Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It’s bacon.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”
How do you get a squirrel’s attention? Act like a nut.
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.
How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
How do you light up a sports stadium? With a soccer match.
How do you make a robot angry? Keep pushing his buttons.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
How much does it cost to swim with sharks? An arm and a leg.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t too bad either.
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.
I don’t tell dad jokes that often. But when I do, he usually laughs.
I enjoy telling bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I just flew in from California. Boy, are my arms tired!
I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
I was going to tell a sodium joke, then I thought, “Na.”
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
I’ve never been a fan of facial hair. But now it’s starting to grow on me.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn’t go into work.
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
One did on potato chip say to the other? Let’s go for a dip.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It’s just gathering dust.
Stupid What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
There are only two things I don’t eat for breakfast: Lunch and dinner.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Any idea how to drive this thing?”
What causes dry skin? A towel.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner’s on me.
What did one toilet say to the other? You appear a bit flushed.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.
What did the boy say to his fingers? I’m counting on you.
What did the buffalo say to her son on the first day of school? “Bison.”
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
What did the pirate say on his birthday? “Aye, matey!”
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
What do cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
What do clouds wear beneath their pants? Thunderwear.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a cat with eight legs? An octo-puss.
What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a fake dad? A faux pas.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a butcher knife? A pork chop.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
What do you call an anxious fly? A jitterbug.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
What do you call it when a cow grows facial hair? A moo-stache.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What kind of felines can bowl? Alley cats.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What kind of underpants do lawyers wear? Briefs.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What should you do if your puppy isn’t feeling well? Take him to the dog-tor.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You’d think it’s the “R,” but it’s really the “C.”
What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What’s a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.
What’s the best way to make a bandstand? Take away their chairs.
What’s the easiest building to lift? A lighthouse.
What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries
What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
What’s the best way to get the hospital after breaking your foot? With a tow truck.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
When’s the best time to call your dentist? Tooth-hurty.
Where did people hang out during medieval times? At knight clubs.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
Where do birds stay when they travel? Someplace cheep.
Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
Where do penguins go to vote? The North Poll.
Where do sheep go on vacation? The Baaaa-hamas.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why are frogs good at baseball? They know how to catch fly balls.
Why are most people tired on April 1? They’ve just finished a 31-day March.
Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
Why aren’t lobsters generous? Because they’re shellfish.
Why can’t leopards play hide-and-seek? Because they’re always spotted.
Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two-tired.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
Why did the cow go to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Why did the employee go work in stilts? He wanted a raise.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
Why did the man bring his watch to the bank? He wanted to save time.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
Why did the rabbit go to the salon? It was having a bad hare day.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
Why did the zombie take a nap? He was dead tired.
Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why do ducks have feathers on their tales? To hide their butt-quacks.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
Why do sweaters tend to hang out together? They’re pretty close-knit.
Why do turkeys play percussion? They have drumsticks.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a sedan.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Why shouldn’t you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
Why shouldn’t you tell jokes to a duck? Because they’ll quack up.
Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Why’d the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

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