A Public Service Announcement for the Door-Slamming Community
There are two kinds of people in this world:
- People who close doors like civilized mammals.
- You.
If you’ve ever made an entire house vibrate because you exited a bathroom, bedroom, car, or convenience store like you were detonating charges in an action movie — this article is for you.
Because somehow, despite mastering smartphones, streaming services, and arguing online with strangers, you still haven’t figured out the ancient art of gently guiding a rectangular slab of wood back into its frame.
Let’s break this down.
The “Why Do You Slam Doors?” Quiz
Be honest. Which of these deeply intellectual reasons applies to you?
A. “I didn’t realize I was slamming it.”
Ah yes. The classic “I have no sensory awareness” defense.
You didn’t notice the earthquake? The dog hiding under the couch? The windows rattling like a 4.8 on the Richter scale? Fascinating.
B. “It just closes like that.”
Oh, interesting. So the door is… sentient? It yearns for violence? It wakes up each morning and chooses chaos?
Have you considered that maybe you are the variable?
C. “I was in a hurry.”
Oh wow. You were in a hurry.
We had no idea speed required concussive force. NASA should hear about this breakthrough in physics.
D. “I was mad.”
Ah. Emotional regulation via wood-based percussion.
Instead of therapy, we choose structural damage.
E. “That’s just how I close doors.”
And some people “just” scream during movies.
And some people “just” chew with their mouth open.
And some people “just” think Crocs are formalwear.
“Just” isn’t a personality.
F. “It wasn’t that loud.”
Right. That’s why three people looked up, one baby started crying, and the neighbor’s car alarm briefly activated.
Psychological Breakdown (Because We’re Going There)
Let’s psychoanalyze this like the armchair professionals we are:
- The Oblivious Ogre – Zero spatial awareness. Thinks doors are medieval drawbridges.
- The Passive-Aggressive Percussionist – Communicates exclusively through household impact sounds.
- The Main Character – Believes doors must announce their exit like a WWE intro.
- The Raised-by-Wolves Graduate – Never learned the difference between “close” and “assault.”
But honestly?
It doesn’t matter why you do it.
We don’t care if it’s trauma, ego, caffeine, or gravitational confusion.
Just stop doing it.
How to Close a Fucking Door for Dummies
A Simple Guide for Dummies
Because apparently this is advanced material.
Step 1: Approach the Door
See that vertical rectangle?
That’s the door.
No, you don’t punch it.
No, you don’t shoulder-check it like you’re entering a hockey rink.
You gently place your hand on the handle.
Yes. With your fingers. The things attached to your hands.
Step 2: Apply Gentle, Controlled Force
Now here’s the tricky part.
You guide the door toward the frame.
You do not:
- Whip it like you’re starting a lawn mower.
- Fling it like a frisbee.
- Launch it like you’re escaping a burning building.
You control it.
With your hand.
The entire time.
Revolutionary, I know.
Step 3: Listen for the Click (Not the Boom)
4
You’re aiming for a:
“Click.”
Not a:
“BAAAMM!!!”
followed by a small internal organ shift in everyone within 50 feet.
If the house shakes, you failed.
If birds outside take flight, you failed.
If someone yells, “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” — you absolutely failed.
Advanced Level: The Car Door Edition
Car doors are not vault doors.
You do not need to seal in nuclear codes.
If you close it properly and it doesn’t latch, here’s a shocking idea:
Try again — slightly firmer — but still within the realm of sanity.
We believe in you.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need a certification.
You don’t need a TED Talk.
You don’t need a 14-day mindfulness retreat.
You need:
- A hand.
- Mild awareness.
- A basic respect for other humans.
Look, it’s so simple even a confused cartoon monkey can do it.
And you’re definitely smarter than that.
…Right?
But you won’t change… here’s why (sad truth)
The sad truth is that people like you who slam doors are the same people who go about life on a one way street where your motto is “It’s all about me me me!”. It ain’t just slamming doors, it’s all kinds of mindless inconsiderate behavior. If anyone points your behavior out, you won’t say, “oh sorry, my bad.” but instead you’ll play the indignant victim and get all offended because you know deep down you’re wrong and are to much of an ego-maniacal narcissist to ever be held accountable or take any kind of constructive criticism, so instead what you’ll do is double-down like a stubborn cunt and likely continue to slam that door as loud or louder just to spite anyone who has brought your shitty behavior to your shitty attention. Fucking basket case.