PayPal bought Venmo back in 2013. You’d think that after more than a decade under the same corporate umbrella, two of the biggest names in peer-to-peer payments would talk to each other. You’d think that if you’ve been a loyal, flawless PayPal user for over twenty years without a single dispute, chargeback, or sketchy transaction, PayPal might whisper to Venmo, “Hey, this person is cool. They’ve been paying their bills since dial-up internet.”
Nope. Venmo doesn’t care about your loyalty. Venmo doesn’t care about your pristine financial history. Venmo treats everyone like a fresh-out-of-jail digital pickpocket until proven otherwise.
Here is the exact circus you have to perform just to get five bucks for an iced coffee:
- The Hoop-Jumping Academy: You open the app, expecting a smooth setup. Instead, you’re immediately ordered to upload your driver’s license, passport, blood sample, and a letter from your third-grade teacher.
- The “Pending” Abyss: After handing over your photo ID, you enter the waiting room. Your account goes into “pending approval” status, leaving you staring at a spinner while Venmo’s security algorithm pretends to do high-level detective work.
- The Scam Accusation: You finally get approved. You send a money request to the one specific person who begged you to get Venmo in the first place because “it’s just so much easier!” What does Venmo do? It sends your friend a massive, terrifying flashing red alert: WARNING: THIS COULD BE A SCAM ATTEMPT.
- The Sketchy Reassurance: Now you have to text your friend, “Hey, ignore the fraud warning! That’s actually me asking for money!” Which, ironically, is the exact line every actual scammer on the planet uses.
- The Eternal Limbo: You finally convince them to pay you. The money lands in your Venmo balance. Victory? Hardly. You try to link your bank account or debit card to cash out, and the app completely refuses to complete the setup. Error code. Try again later. Computer says no.
So now your cash is trapped inside Venmo’s digital fortress. Which brings us to the ultimate punchline: while you’re sitting there unable to pay your rent, Venmo gets to sit on your balance, pooling trapped user funds into working capital and quietly collecting interest on money you earned.
Twenty years of PayPal trust, zero red flags, and Venmo still manages to turn a simple five-dollar transfer into a hostage negotiation. What a load of total horse shit.
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