Funny Dad Jokes

Here’s a huge list of pretty funny Dad jokes. We will keep updating this list with more so check back for the latest corny Dad jokes!

• A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
• A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
• Bad How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
• Best Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? There are too many ears all around.
• Can February March? No, but April May!
• Corny What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
• Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
• Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
• Did you hear about the archeologist that got fired? Now his career is in ruins.
• Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
• Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
• Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.
• Did you hear about the cleaners who went to space? They ended up scrubbing the mission.
• Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
• Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
• Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He’s at the hospital waiting to be seen.
• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? They woke him up.
• Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get a crown.
• Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.
• Did you hear about the two rowboats that got into an argument? It was an oar-deal.
• Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
• Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
• Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
• Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
• Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
• Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
• Dumb Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
• Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
• Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst.
• How can you tell if a pig is hot? It’s bacon.
• How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
• How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
• How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
• How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
• How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys.
• How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
• How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.
• How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
• How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
• How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
• How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
• How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
• How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”
• How do you get a squirrel’s attention? Act like a nut.
• How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.
• How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
• How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
• How do you light up a sports stadium? With a soccer match.
• How do you make a robot angry? Keep pushing his buttons.
• How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
• How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
• How do you organize a space party? You planet.
• How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
• How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
• How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
• How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
• How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
• How much does it cost to swim with sharks? An arm and a leg.
• How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
• How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
• Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t too bad either.
• I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.
• I don’t tell dad jokes that often. But when I do, he usually laughs.
• I enjoy telling bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
• I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.
• I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
• I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.
• I just flew in from California. Boy, are my arms tired!
• I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.
• I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
• I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
• I was going to tell a sodium joke, then I thought, “Na.”
• I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
• I’ve never been a fan of facial hair. But now it’s starting to grow on me.
• If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
• Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
• It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
• I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
• Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
• My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn’t go into work.
• Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
• One did on potato chip say to the other? Let’s go for a dip.
• Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It’s just gathering dust.
• Stupid What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
• The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• There are only two things I don’t eat for breakfast: Lunch and dinner.
• Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Any idea how to drive this thing?”
• What causes dry skin? A towel.
• What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
• What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
• What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
• What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
• What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.
• What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner’s on me.
• What did one toilet say to the other? You appear a bit flushed.
• What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
• What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
• What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
• What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea.
• What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.
• What did the boy say to his fingers? I’m counting on you.
• What did the buffalo say to her son on the first day of school? “Bison.”
• What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
• What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
• What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
• What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
• What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.
• What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
• What did the pirate say on his birthday? “Aye, matey!”
• What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.
• What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
• What do cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
• What do clouds wear beneath their pants? Thunderwear.
• What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.
• What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
• What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
• What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
• What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
• What do you call a cat with eight legs? An octo-puss.
• What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
• What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
• What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
• What do you call a fake dad? A faux pas.
• What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
• What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
• What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
• What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher
• What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
• What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
• What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
• What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
• What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
• What do you call a pig who knows how to use a butcher knife? A pork chop.
• What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
• What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
• What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
• What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
• What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
• What do you call an anxious fly? A jitterbug.
• What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
• What do you call it when a cow grows facial hair? A moo-stache.
• What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
• What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
• What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
• What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.
• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
• What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
• What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
• What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
• What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
• What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
• What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
• What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
• What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
• What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
• What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.
• What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
• What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
• What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel.
• What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
• What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
• What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
• What kind of felines can bowl? Alley cats.
• What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
• What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
• What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
• What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
• What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
• What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
• What kind of underpants do lawyers wear? Briefs.
• What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
• What should you do if your puppy isn’t feeling well? Take him to the dog-tor.
• What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
• What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
• What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
• What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You’d think it’s the “R,” but it’s really the “C.”
• What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
• What’s a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
• What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
• What’s the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.
• What’s the best way to make a bandstand? Take away their chairs.
• What’s the easiest building to lift? A lighthouse.
• What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries
• What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
• What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
• What’s the best way to get the hospital after breaking your foot? With a tow truck.
• When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
• When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
• When’s the best time to call your dentist? Tooth-hurty.
• Where did people hang out during medieval times? At knight clubs.
• Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
• Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
• Where do birds stay when they travel? Someplace cheep.
• Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
• Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
• Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
• Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
• Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
• Where do penguins go to vote? The North Poll.
• Where do sheep go on vacation? The Baaaa-hamas.
• Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
• Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
• Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
• Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
• Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
• Why are frogs good at baseball? They know how to catch fly balls.
• Why are most people tired on April 1? They’ve just finished a 31-day March.
• Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
• Why aren’t lobsters generous? Because they’re shellfish.
• Why can’t leopards play hide-and-seek? Because they’re always spotted.
• Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.
• Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
• Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two-tired.
• Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
• Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
• Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
• Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
• Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
• Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
• Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
• Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
• Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.
• Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
• Why did the cow go to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies.
• Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
• Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
• Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
• Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
• Why did the employee go work in stilts? He wanted a raise.
• Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
• Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
• Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
• Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
• Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
• Why did the man bring his watch to the bank? He wanted to save time.
• Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
• Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
• Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor.
• Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
• Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
• Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
• Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
• Why did the rabbit go to the salon? It was having a bad hare day.
• Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.
• Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
• Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.
• Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
• Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
• Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
• Why did the zombie take a nap? He was dead tired.
• Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
• Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
• Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
• Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
• Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
• Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
• Why do ducks have feathers on their tales? To hide their butt-quacks.
• Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
• Why do sweaters tend to hang out together? They’re pretty close-knit.
• Why do turkeys play percussion? They have drumsticks.
• Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a sedan.
• Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.
• Why shouldn’t you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
• Why shouldn’t you tell jokes to a duck? Because they’ll quack up.
• Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.
• Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
• Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
• Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
• Why’d the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

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