275 Mitch Hedberg quotes

One of the largest collections of the best Mitch Hedberg quotes and jokes you’ll find. You must admit he was one funny guy! Classic short jokes that crack people up and make a point at the same time.

Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!
I remixed the remix… it was back to normal.
I tried to walk into Target… but I missed.
I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
A snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit!
I think Big Foot is blurry, that’s the problem.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I type 101 words a minute, but it’s in my own language.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I like Kit Kats… unless I’m with four or more people.
This jacket is dry clean only… which means it’s dirty.
I drank some boiling water… because I wanted to whistle.
I had one anchovy. That’s why I didn’t have two anchovies.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I got a business card… because I want to win some lunches.
I’ve seen a human pyramid before… it was very unnecessary.
I can read minds. But it’s pointless because I’m illiterate.
I don’t own a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
I got a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
Snake eyes. It’s a gambling term. Or it’s an animal term, too.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Hey, you know what keeps me from acting? Fuckin’… auditions.
I haven’t slept for 10 days… because that would be too long.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus… or a really cool opotamus?
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damn it anyway!
I gotta idea for sweat shops… air conditioning! Problem solved.
I wish they made fajita cologne… because that shit smells good.
I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.
If I had nine of my fingers missing… I wouldn’t type any slower.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.
I wish I could play Little League now… I’d kick some fuckin’ ass.
I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum… and I was still worried.
I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.
I wear a necklace now… because I like to know when I’m upside down.
Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo… so I fucked up.
I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really, it’s just a towel that fits me.
I got New Balance shoes on, but they’re old… so I might start falling.
I put fruit on top of my waffles… because I want something to brush off.
I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I collect stamps. The easiest way to collect stamps… is to not mail shit.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It’s like, Dude, you have to wait.
I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say You’re home!
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient.
I can’t tell you what hotel I’m saying at, but there are two trees involved.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid… is fuckin’ clean.
That would be cool if you lived with a monster… you would never get hiccups!
I like the Fed Ex driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy… all day.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was.
I’m a heroine addict… I need to have sex with women who saved someone’s life.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
I like when they say shampoo is volumizing… because my hair is fuckin’ quiet.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
As a kid, I used to jump on beds. But as an adult, I do not sleep on trampolines.
You know that show My Three Sons? That’d be funny if it was called My One Dad.
I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move.
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much.
I don’t own a cellphone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time.
I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don’t go see doctor Acula.
The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I would take one in and leave it.
I would imagine if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I got a jump rope. That thing’s just a rope, man. You gotta make the jump thing happen.
I ran some Evian water through a filter… the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin’ pure.
A fly was very close to being called a land because that’s what it does half the time.
That would suck if a drink was ice cold… because then it would be impossible to drink.
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit’s under control.
Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
If you have dentures, do not use artificial sweeteners because you will get a fake cavity.
If you’re a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture.
I bought myself a parrot, the parrot talked, but it did not say I’m hungry… so it died.
I got my hair highlighted… because I thought some strands were more important than others.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said, Fuck that, I’ll just get a tan instead.
I never had a piggy bank, but one time I had some bacon and it tasted an awful lot like change.
I’m selling T-shirts after the show. They don’t have my name on ’em, they’re just Hanes 3-packs.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks. I bring him home a Jack and Coke.
I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said All right, fuck back on.
I met the girl who works at the Double Tree front desk. She gave me her phone number… it’s zero.
Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m fuckin’ angry. Germs do not go quietly.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fucking big.
Two-in-one is a bullshit term because one is not big enough to hold two. That’s why two was created.
My hotel is haunted. I saw a sheet lying on the floor… must have been a ghost that had passed out.
I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call ’em cavities. I like to call ’em places to put stuff.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicting to gambling… I’m addicting to sitting in a semicircle.
They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable… it’s just they taste shitty.
I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us… or they thought we were OK.
I got a king size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.
Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?
I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use… like an extreme longing for cake.
I never joined the Army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight and still.
You know, you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night all those people were at my show.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s going.
The commercial for Diet Dr Pepper says It tastes just like regular Dr Pepper… well then they fucked up.
I read last year that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, man… such an even number.
I’m sick of Soup of the Day! It’s time we make a decision. I want to know what the fuck soup from now on is.
Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr Pepper. But it’s the bullshit replica because dude didn’t even get his degree!
I order the club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
Gel’s funny. You wash your hair and then you put gel in it. It’s like, it’s clean now, let me fuck it back up.
The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall.
I bought a house. It’s a two bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you?
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
You should never tell people they have a nice dimple… because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said No… but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.
Anybody here watch ESPN Classic? I saw a baseball game on there. The guy hit a foul ball. Fuckin’ classic, man.
People say Mitch, why’d you get into comedy? Were you funny?No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.
When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of more ducks, right? But, shit, he could have, like, a beaver in tow.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.
You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, I’m gonna go shave… too.
That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets.Hey, you’re not a criminal, but you do need to relax.
I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they’re just as good and weren’t wasting time.
I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.What does a giraffe taste like?A hippopotamus!
When you have a CD in a store, you have to do in-store appearances. If nobody shows up, I just pretend like I’m shopping.
I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match, it said It’s a fight to the finish… that’s a good place to end.
I wish all my clothes were made out of blankets. That way, if I fall asleep with my clothes on, fuckin’ A, I’m tucked in.
In Venice, Italy, they don’t have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, Italy, we have to keep the kids off the canals.
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
When I was on acid, I would see things, like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, I hear music… as though there’s any other way you can take it in.
I walked by a record store, the sign out front said they specialize in hard to find records and tapes… nothing was alphabetized!
If I was a headless horseman’s horse, I would fuck with that dude.Yeah, we’re going that way. We’re not headed toward the hay.
Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races … because you would be there fuckin’ days.
People think I’m into sports just because I’m a man. I’m not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes.
One time a guy handed me a picture, he said Here’s a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture of you is when you were younger.
I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
I think Visine was only invented for pot heads. Who else would buy Visine? Say man, I don’t want people to know I have been swimming…
My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
People ask me for my autograph after the show. I’m not famous, I think they’re fucking with me. They’re trying to make me late for something.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling.Come on, four billion. Fuck. Seven. Not even close.
People teach their dogs to sit. It’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life. A dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I wear glasses. I stopped wearing ’em… because when you wear glasses and you talk to someone, you always think they’re outside of a window.
Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we are photographed, we are easy to identify.
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
That would suck if you became a priest and the day came where you had to fight the devil, you’d be like Shit, I didn’t think that was for real!
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house.Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
I did a radio interview. The DJs first question was Who are you? I had to think, Is this guy really deep or did I drive to the wrong station?
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking on the sidewalk with him, and he fell… that would be completely unacceptable.
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap.
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen, but he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I don’t wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box.Snap, Crackle, Mitch and Pop.
Advil has a candy coating. It’s delicious. And it says right on the bottle Do not have more than two. Well then do not put a candy coating around it.
I want to have a show called Where Are They Now but it’s about people who are really easy to find.Jay Leno, where are they now? Still in Burbank.
I got a door deal here, I’m working for 50% of the door and then tomorrow I’m working for 50% of the door and then on Sunday… I’m gonna have a door.
My manager’s cool, he gets concerned, he says, Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch. I can’t use liquor as a crutch… because a crutch helps me walk.
I was in a park and I saw a kid flying a kite and he was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do.
You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That’s fuckin’ bullshit, man. Because that thing would knock you on your ass.
I opened up a yogurt, it said Please try again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when people try to hand me out a flyer, it’s kind of like they’re saying Here, YOU throw this away.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add er.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow, that would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime.Look at that dead guy… Let’s go that way.
I saw a guy juggling chainsaws. It was cool, but unless something needs to be sawed down, then it’s just annoying. It’s like, Come on, Rick, can we use ONE?
I put Carmex on a cold sore. Because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable.
I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
You know there’s a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.
I fuckin’ hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like, Fuck you, I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done… who knows?
I got a fire alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer.Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle.
I have a cheese shredder at home. That’s a positive name for it: cheese shredder. They don’t call it by its negative name because nobody would buy it… sponge ruiner.
My roommate said, he goes, I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says Say thanks.
I’m in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, Can I use the phone? I said, Certainly, he says Do I have to dial 9?Yeah, especially if it’s in the number.
I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It’s time to go with DON’T disturb. iI’s been Do Not for too long.We need to embrace the contraction.
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half way. So it’s like she’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I used to buy a lot of M&Ms; they’re a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn’t look at you like you’re selfish.
I like vending machines… because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it’s maximum flavor potential.
A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me… because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I smoke cigars occasionally. I don’t know a lot about cigars. Like, I’m at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says What kind of cigars do you like?Uhh… Itsaboys.
I get the Reese’s candy. If you read that name Reese’s, that’s an apostrophe S. Reese’s apostrophe S on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that.
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision because I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
I use the word totally way too much. I need to change it to something that’s different, but means the same thing.Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?All encompassingly.
I was gonna stay overnight at my friends place, he said You’re gonna have to sleep on the floor.…. Damn gravity. You got me again. You know how badly I want to sleep on the wall.
One time I had a Jack and Coke, it had a lime in it, and I saw that the lime was floating. That’s good news, man. The next time I’m in a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime.
I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool.
I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, I say Hey Brian, do you know anybody who has AIDS? No? Cool…. because you know me.
I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.
Man, remember that movie The Outsiders and one of the guys name was Soda Pop, and at the time it was cool?… It’s not cool right now. Your nickname was Soda Pop… you would be dead.
I don’t know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down and the gas tank does not say E, I’m fucked… But if the gas tank says E I get all cocky.I got this one, don’t worry about it.
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like I’ve got it all wrong.
I asked directions to the store, this guy said, Well that’s just a hop, skip and a jump away. …Well that’s not how I’m getting there… You got directions for those who are walking?
I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said Where do you see yourself in five years? I said Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.
If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade.
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying, Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank.
My friend came up to me and he said Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes. It was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you gotta put a pause in there.
Some companies like to spell out words, so you call ’em up and remember their name. But they use too many letters because they can’t edit it.Give us a call at 1 800 I LOVE BRAND NEW CARPET.
I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer… when we used to fire up the barbecue… and throw down some Fritos.
Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to somebody you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky.Look what I got motherfucka!
One time I was supposed to be on David Letterman, and it was the same time that Madonna was on, and Madonna went long, so I got bumped. But I got to eat cantaloupe backstage so it was still cool.
As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally.How’d I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down.
You know when it comes to racism, people say I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green. Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.
I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth… it looks like the fan is saying No. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to.Do you keep my hair in place?
I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary… I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying Hey, we ain’t gotta fix shit.
You know how they call corn on the cob corn on the cob, right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn. They should call every other version corn off the cob.
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique. I go down to the factory, You owe me some letters!
I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal. Then I don’t do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I can get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
When I’m on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else’s floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I’m like You’re on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don’t think I can ride with you.
This one commercial said Forget everything you know about slip covers, so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn’t know what the fuck they were.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on and yellow means go ahead. And red means where the fuck did you get that banana?
I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking. Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to START flossing.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes… all exciting at first, but then by the end, you’re fucking sick of ’em.
To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, Have you ever tried sugar… or PCP?
I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made cinnamon roll incense. Because I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick… and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, Do you want me to put them in a bag? I said, Oh no, man, I juggle…. but I can only juggle eight. If I’m ever in here buying nine apples, bag ’em up.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods because when you’re in the woods trippin’, there’s a less likely chance you’ll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill.
When I play the South, they say y’all in the South. They take out the O and the U. So when I’m in the South, I try to talk like that, so people understand me.Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle… sp.
I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign. Only an Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.
I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor’s coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place.Mitch’s pizzeria. This week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza.
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That’s wrong. Xylophone ZzzX?. I don’t fuckin’ see it. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. And if someone says Hey, that’s wrong, say No it ain’t.
I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, Fuck it, cut ’em up.
There’s a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says You can water your hard to reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! That seems so very mean.
You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that’s dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool.
A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary, or Obituary. We weren’t that intense. We just went with Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella… as we were walking out of the pawn shop.
I was downtown in some town and they had store, store, store, and then there was an open area, then they had more stores. It said in the open area Coming soon: The Gap I’m like Fuck, man. It’s coming soon and it’s already here.
I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was a little slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem, I said Ed, how do you abbreviate ‘Arkansas’? He said, I don’t know. Just start spelling it and quit.
I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep, I will tip you over.
I wrote a letter to my dad. I was gonna write I really enjoyed being here but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I wanted to use it, I didn’t want to cross it out. So I wrote, I rarely… drive steamboats, dad.
I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
Now if I was to give a duck bread, I’d give him Pepperidge Farm bread because that shit’s fancy. It’s wrapped twice. So you open it… and it still ain’t opened. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much fuckin’ meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side.What would you like sir?A pastrami sandwich.Anything else?Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell Fore! but I was too busying mumbling There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.
I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.
When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’m going to replace it before they check me off and charge me. But they made that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, I say, Do you have Coke… in a glass harmonica?
My apartment is infested with koala bars. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want ’em to. I’m like, Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.
I saw a band in LA and the band was having an off night and some people starting throwing tomatoes at the band. I thought Who would throw a tomato at a band? That’s bad. But then I thought Who would bring a tomato to a show? That’s even worse.
There’s many billboards, they have the lotto jackpot, it says Estimated lotto jackpot $55 million. See, I didn’t know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.
I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin’ potato chips came out, man, because they had an HH button. For christ’s sakes, you need to let me know.
I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, and I don’t think I would, because I figure you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry.Is that all you got around here? Then you need to direct me to a chair, lunch dinner.
When I’m off stage, I don’t talk very much, I’m pretty quiet, right? And I hang around people who talk non-stop. All they do is talk, talk, talk. I can’t get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something like, Hey, man, you want some taffy?
This is what my friend said to me, he said I think the weather’s trippy. And I said No, man. It’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy. Then I thought, Man, I should have just said… ‘Yeah.’
I want to climb a mountain, not so I can get to the top, because I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin’ fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around.Hey, you going to the top?Soon.
One time I went to a craft fair, and I see a jar of jellybeans, it said Guess how many jellybeans are in the jar, and you win a prize. Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what, you guess how many I want, if you said a handful you are right.
I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend’s name is Lyn too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I fuck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name. And she can tell because I don’t say nn as long.
Sometimes when you’re too drunk on stage, people get mad, they say Can I get my money back? That would be funny if people could get their money back for other shit when I was really drunk. Like, I saw Mitch Hedberg. He was drunk… and I want to return this saw.
I hate turkeys… if you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, Man, just be yourself!
I was at a casino, I was standing by the door, and the security guard came over and he said You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit, as if though there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I walked by a spy shop, you know those places that sell surveillance equipment? Every time I walk by a spy shop I think I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can.
I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn. Because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that’s the limit. And then somebody cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens, you’re like Shit, I wish I wouldn’t have seen Ricky on the sidewalk.
I like to drink red wine, this girl says Doesn’t red wine give you a headache?Yeah, eventually. But the first and the middle part are amazing. I’m not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end.Mitch, do you want an apple?No, eventually it’ll be a core.
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald’s commercials end like this: prices and participation may vary. I want to open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say Cheeseburgers? Nope… we got spaghetti!
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the donate it to charity slice. I would like to exchange this for the keep it.
I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me, he’ll say What? So I’ll say it again, but once again, he doesn’t hear me, so he says What?! But really, it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling That tree is far away!
This product that was on TV, it said you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments… and one complicated payment. We’re not gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard.
I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for, like, ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the EMERGENCY BRAKE.
Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he’s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn’t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That fucker wasted lots of time at school. ‘Cause I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl.
I perform at the colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because they’re quality shirts and they’re colorful. But people get the wrong idea, you know? I walk around with a Washington University shirt on and someone goes Hey, Washington U, did you go there?Yeah… it was a Wednesday.
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am, the sign said Sorry we’re closed. You don’t have to be sorry; it’s 3am and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk in at 10am and say Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology.
I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for the donut, man. I’ll just give you the money, then you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a donut…
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Oh, come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates.
I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying he loves me, he loves me not. Thank god the flower can’t talk, what would it say? Fuck that hurts. Fuck that hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I’m no longer pretty… And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!
I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there’s a guy in there already and say Hey, man, you mind if I join ya? And he says no. Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions… then I say Hey man, just simmer for ahw-I mean, sit there.
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you people feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
I like when they say that a movie was inspired by a true story because that’s weird. It means the movie is not true, it was just inspired by a true story.Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drown?Yes I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla.
I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. Literally. She was born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said Lola does not know the meaning of the word can’t. And that to me was actually kind of worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners.What candy bar are you getting?That one . . . and every one on the bottom row!
I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don’t think the waitress understood me. Because she said, How would you like your eggs? So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, Incubated! And then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked, and then cut up, and then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! It’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script. They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said All right you’re a cook… can you farm?
I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say, Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing… it’s just flat!
it’s against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain’t supposed to touch. So I said, All right, well put some lettuce on it, which they did. They said it’d be a $1.75. I said It’s for a duck. They said All right, then it’s free. See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway. Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich.Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck!
I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me, because I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me which is cool, but he didn’t apologize, he said Move, and I thought that was rude so I said Go to hell, and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. He said Hey, you got a lot of nerve. I said Hey, you got a lot of… cranium accessories.
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog. I would never say Here comes that frog in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.
You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two. And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again.Dufrane, party of two. But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name.Bush, party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry – that’s a double whammy. We need help.Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.

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